To raise a strong family means having individual strength of character, shoring up the cracks and laying a stronger foundation, which often means making the best of a bad situation and just getting on with living life.
Children are like empty vessels, just waiting to be filled up and it is what you fill them up with, which determines how they turn out. When my children were younger, I took them to every museum or art gallery showing. They went with me to the library and were encouraged to take books that reflected their identity. They were encouraged to enter every competition to build their self-esteem. I read to them, sung to them, taught them to be the best they could be, as well as how to cook clean and iron but it did not end there because the most important aspect of parenting was to teach values and respect.
It was first being able to have a relationship with them so that they can talk to me about their problems, teenage angst etc. It was about them being able to voice their opinion with my decisions as regards to them. It was about being a friend but being a parent first and foremost. It was about being able to negotiate and to listen to their needs, about laying the foundations whereby they can talk and get information about personal stuff both pleasant and not so pleasant. It was about recognising that each child was different and developing strategies that reflected that individuality. It was also about making them feel that they were being treated fairly and that there was no favourite or partiality on my part.
I agree with Melissa about family being more than the nuclear type but unfortunately, people don’t take those roles seriously, to most people being an aunt, uncle or grandparent is just a name which they fail to act upon.
When my nieces and nephews were growing up, I took them every weekend and during the summer holidays. They went to work with me where I could keep an eye on them while introducing them to new experiences while helping them to develop new skills and experiences. I was their aunt and as such it was a role that I savoured. All too often I see children who don’t have a relationship with their aunts and uncles because they never took an interest in them, yet these same ‘relatives’ expect them to turn up at family gatherings and play happy families, as if all there is to being an uncle/aunt, is to ask how that individual is doing or to have a conversatin with them.
Recently, my children's grandmother died. Out of respect they went to the funeral but my son told me that he felt no sadness or grief because he did not have a relationship with her, which emphasises the point that it is more about building nurturing relationships than about familial ties and their paternal grandmother did not do that, so the children did not feel any sense of loss.
But it is also important to know who your children’s friends are and to steer them clear of negative influences. It is about setting standards and having expectations from children and about knowing them individually and not being afraid to admit to them that as a parent, you too made mistakes.
Another important factor for parents who live apart is to allow the child access to the absent parent. Often it was about trying to instil in them a general respect for people and that included the absent parent. But it was also about letting them see things as they were. Not building any false expectations for them to fall from when they were old enough to process the information, so it was about giving them the accurate picture as they were able to understand, as they matured emotionally. But as part of their identity they had a right to know their other half. Another aspect of parenting is to teach your children to love each other. It seems to be a foregone conclusion that siblings would naturally love each other but that is not the case. So children have to be taught how to love and care for each other.