Sociophobia

Madam Butterfly · (#1 (**permalink**))

Feeling relieved because i have finally found the "thing" that has been "wrong" with me all these years. I now realize a whole bunch of stuff was tied up in this package called sociophobia. Anyone else experienced this or know of others who have? Just would be nice to hear from others on this (because you know that is one support group that would have a low turn out lol) Not looking for any "cures" from extroverted, confidant people who have no understanding of the "condition", because you may as well tell a claustrophobe to spend the night in a coffin or an arachnophobe to climb in a tub full of tarantulas. Just want to feel (ironically) that i am not alone with this thing. Of course i know in the big wide world i am not alone with it. But would be nice to hear specifically from others with a personal experience to share. God bless the internet, love from all us sociophbes!!

In reading more about it, it is such a reliefe to know that all this stuff i had "wrong" with me all came under one umbrella as opposed to several. I feel a huge weight lifted off me. I feel lighter and freer than i have in a long time.

Now i see how people who are diagnosed with illnesses can feel relieved, even if the prognosis is not good. It is just a relief to know that its SOMETHING and you are not crazy or the only one.

MODS PLEASE DELETE THIS POST FROM HEALTH AND FITNESS FORUM, TA!!

blessingfromgod · (#2 (**permalink**))

Although the name is self explanetry, I just read a brief summary and found it quite interesting yet sad. Sad in the sence that socialising is something many of get a buzz from, just being in the midst of loads of people and to think a small minority of people fear it. Then again, Im sure there is many levels to the phobia and many people have experienced some level of this sociophobia. For me, I hate presentations with a passion, and some of the side effects for SB are what i have experienced: increased heart rate, sweating, voice shaking. But I love being around people and chatting my face off. It's just the spot light thing that does it for me.

Anyway, Do you know when/how this SB started?
What are the effects it has on you?
Would you like to be cured?

Judge J · (#3 (**permalink**))

I think its nonsense.

Madam Butterfly · (#4 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessingfromgod

Anyway, Do you know when/how this SB started?
What are the effects it has on you?
Would you like to be cured?

Thank you for your input BFG and as you will see i am about to answer your questions at LENGTH!!! (probably more for my own benefit of needing to "get it out") but first i must issue this warning to judge J. WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS APPARENTLY "NONSENSE" SO IF YOU HAVE NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY, **** OFF NOW.

Now back to your questions BFG. According to my mother when i was very young i was quite sociaable and would "go to anybody". I think the "normal" shyness kicked in when i was maybe about five, but i couldn't really say why. It gradually got more extreme from not wanting to speak to visitors who came to the house to not wanting to leave my room at all, even if we had guests whom i knew well. I continued to be "shy" throughout my teens, though i was fine with my small group of friends who i was comfortable around. I think it got to "extreme" proportions right before i was due to leave secondary school. It is also when my depression started, and now i know why. I was probably mentally anticipating the fact that i would be propelled into a new social arena and away from everyone i knew and was familiar/comfortable with.

Of course, when i stopped going anywhere and spent all my time in my room i blamed it on the depression. But the truth is sometimes i would just feel straight up afraid to go out and face anybody.

I made a couple of friends at college and then uni, but because of the nature of my phobia i never kept in touch with them.

i spent four years on my first job and can honeslty say i didn;t have a single friend. yes one or two i spoke to but not what i would call "friends". This is when my depression was at its height. Sometimes when it got on top i would just go to the toilet and cry. Breaks in the canteen were spent alone with my headphones and something to read (same as at college and uni til i made friends). All in all it was my most miserable time.

Then i started my PGCE. I thought moving away from home for that year might change me (not knowing at the time what i "had") but it didn;t. My two flatmates became close and i was basically left out of everything (plus they were in the same cohort group and i was in a diffeent one).

Generally speaking througout this whole period, anytime i needed to go somewhere where i didn;t know anyone, i would always dash off to the toilets and lock myself in during the break period rather than face people or, what usually happened, stand alone in the corner watching others socialize. To this day i hate going to any kind of social function. I recently left a cousins wake early with my sister to avoid that "alone in the cornoer" feeling.

People say you should join some kind of group or take up a hobby to meet people or have somethng intersting to talk about/share, but i think they underestimate how hard it is for a sociophobe to actually do that. As a result i am a pretty boring person to talk to face to face as i am very bad at small talk and i really just can;t think of things to say. I then get paranoid and think people don;t WANT to talk to someone like me, so just avoid talking to people all together. I am much better at communicating in writing (as you can probably tell!!) whether it be IM or email or txting etc. Then i can be funny, smart, wise, charmong and all that other good stuff. So i KNOW i can do it, just not face to face.

so after my PGCE, I then got the job i am in now and i can honestly say this is the happiest i've been. However i have been at this job for a year now and i don;t have a single member of staff i can call a friend. I avoid the staffroom at all costs (gossipy atmosphere which i don;t like, plus sometimes i just feel plain "in the way"). I have taken to spending my break times hiding out in a room of the school that is hardly used. Its a small school that is very busy, so it just shows the lengths i went to!!! That was kind of when i realized this thing went BEYOND just simply being "shy". (although running away to a toilet cubical whenever i am around strangers was also a clue!) Plus i have recently got in contact with my old school friends. At first i thought it would be great, til reunions were being spoken of. I then realized i would probably make some excuse not to go (these are people who i have not had contact with for 14 years). And now i am trying to think of a way to avoid going to the staff christmas party (tough i honestly don;t think i'll be missed anyway)

When i was younger my mum always used to force me to go to family functions etc and as a teenager i was always the "boring" one as i didn;t go to friends parties (though i helped plan them)

But when it comes to my job now, at the beginning of the school year i decided to bite the bullet and go to the staffroom. Just to make a hot drink and sit down in there had me trembling, though i don;t think it was visiable.

But just recently i have been thinking about the lengths i actually go to to avoid social situations, even with places and people i am familiar with. It goes way beyond shyness and i no longer have my depression to hide behnd.

The funny thing is, when i am around kids (once i am used to them) i am totally fine, able to be my normal, silly self. To see me with kids you would never know i had a problem, its like i am two different people.

At times like that, its nice to feel "free" . I often wish i could laugh and joke and interact normally face to face like other people do and i don;t know why it is so hard for me to do. (well i do now!!) The fact that most phobias are irrational is a relief, because i have literally spent years trying to figure out whats "wrong" with me and why. Now i know there may not even be a reason, it just "is".

Now that i know, i am not so worried about being "cured", however what i would really love is for people to understand and accept me. Sometimes i feel as though people simply write me off as opposed to getting to know me. I admit i take an extremely long time to warm up to people and feel comfortalbe before i can be myself. So i feel like people simply can;t be bothered.

The funny thing is i formed a friendship over IM and he once told me "people like you. They just don't know they like you because they don't know you yet." I just sometimes think no one will EVER know me, or want to.

I guess it has started to get to me lately because before, i knew the situations i was in (college uni part time job) were temporary, so i would always have opportunities for making friends at my next life point. But i really like the job i am in now and i plan to be there for a long time. I have been there a year this month and don;t have a single mate. Don;t get me wrong, 95% of the staff are great and friendly etc and i get along with vast majority. But i am starting to feel very lonely and i can;t simply say "oh well, it is only for a year or two then i'm gone" like i did before. Also i am at that age where people are starting to settle down get married and have families and i know that will probably never be me, even though more than one person has told me i would be a good mother.

So i guess in the long run, yes i would like to be cured. But for now i am just happy knowing what the problem is. And i would be very happy if others who know me knew and could understand and accept it. And if the judge j's of the world could piss off!!

Sorry if i bored anybodt, but since i have never spoken about my feeing outside of a diary, it feels good to get it off my chest. Hopefully i have made someone in a similar situation realise they are not as alone as they think.

Kunjufu · (#5 (**permalink**))

Madam Butterfly: hmmm interesting read..... to be very honest reading your thoughts answers a lot of questions about things you've discussed in the past... but reflecting on your experience i have few immediate thoughts...

1. If not having close friends or not having the skills or the opportunity to make friends is a phobia then I must have it and i suspect so must half the country....

2. I understand if you find this a problem for you, but honestly i ask you what is it that YOU think you're missing out on? Most people might THINK they have a lot of friends but in truth I think most people are like you. It would be interesting to broaden this discussion out for example to ask people how many friends, not aquaintences they actually have... My suspicion is that most could probably count them on one hand...

3. Again speaking truthfully I know that i have great difficulties in socialising, however for me its about context sometimes i know i just can't be arsed, sometimes if i'm on courses and stuff i know as a BLACK man... people black and white just find it too difficult to approach me and I've gotten to the point now where I just aint making the effort to bridge any gap...why should i... most find self confidence intimidating so I've taken the position of just not bothering..

4. in the workplace i think making friends is overrated, and i'm not even sure its even a good idea...

so my point i suppose is whether the problem you think you have is focused on is the right diagnosis...

Le Moor · (#6 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Judge J

I think its nonsense.

@ JJ

Whether you think its nonsense or not, isn't it clear to anyone with a backbone that this subject means a hell of a lot to MB and it has taken her a great deal of courage to post something which is an EXTREMLY sensitive issue. If you do indeed pocess a spine, then i sincerely think that you should think about what you've posted, and then apologise to her for the comments you've made.

MB, Sis i really hope you learn how to deal with this and applaud your bravery in posting this subject.

As Kunjufu said, you've mentioned other issues in the past and tie-ing this in makes sense. I really do think that if you approach this with a view to being more secure in yourself, you will have great results. Have you tried counselling, it may help to unlock the things internally which you need to conquer mentally. Dont see this as a negative or abnormal thing, i truely believe we could all use counselling to improve us.

In my twenties i used to have a phobia of work related functions, and would shake terribly before and during events. I still go to the same type functions without the phobia. I dont know how or even when i learnt how to conquer this fear. However i do know as you get older you can naturally become more secure and comfortable with yourself which i would guess was the remedy with myself. I was lucky, however someone proffessional can help you unlock this self assurance, which i believe is key to these type of phobias. Dont suffer it alone, you need to learn and understand as much as you can about YOU.

ige · (#7 (**permalink**))

on a socialphobia scale you would be a 9 and i would be an 8. i think you are just very introverted not socialphobic. you cant hold small talk because you have no stories to tell . do what i do and make them up. i also dont answer my phone sometimes just to make people think im busy when im really just doing nothing. my life is one huge lie. hoped that helped

Extraversion and introversion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Kunjufu · (#8 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Le Moor

@ JJ

Whether you think its nonsense or not, isn't it clear to anyone with a backbone that this subject means a hell of a lot to MB and it has taken her a great deal of courage to post something which is an EXTREMLY sensitive issue. If you do indeed pocess a spine, then i sincerely think that you should think about what you've posted, and then apologise to her for the comments you've made.

Well said!!!!!!

Judge J · (#9 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madam Butterfly

Thank you for your input BFG and as you will see i am about to answer your questions at LENGTH!!! (probably more for my own benefit of needing to "get it out") but first i must issue this warning to judge J. WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS APPARENTLY "NONSENSE" SO IF YOU HAVE NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY, **** OFF NOW.

Now back to your questions BFG. According to my mother when i was very young i was quite sociaable and would "go to anybody". I think the "normal" shyness kicked in when i was maybe about five, but i couldn't really say why. It gradually got more extreme from not wanting to speak to visitors who came to the house to not wanting to leave my room at all, even if we had guests whom i knew well. I continued to be "shy" throughout my teens, though i was fine with my small group of friends who i was comfortable around. I think it got to "extreme" proportions right before i was due to leave secondary school. It is also when my depression started, and now i know why. I was probably mentally anticipating the fact that i would be propelled into a new social arena and away from everyone i knew and was familiar/comfortable with.

Of course, when i stopped going anywhere and spent all my time in my room i blamed it on the depression. But the truth is sometimes i would just feel straight up afraid to go out and face anybody.

I made a couple of friends at college and then uni, but because of the nature of my phobia i never kept in touch with them.

i spent four years on my first job and can honeslty say i didn;t have a single friend. yes one or two i spoke to but not what i would call "friends". This is when my depression was at its height. Sometimes when it got on top i would just go to the toilet and cry. Breaks in the canteen were spent alone with my headphones and something to read (same as at college and uni til i made friends). All in all it was my most miserable time.

Then i started my PGCE. I thought moving away from home for that year might change me (not knowing at the time what i "had") but it didn;t. My two flatmates became close and i was basically left out of everything (plus they were in the same cohort group and i was in a diffeent one).

Generally speaking througout this whole period, anytime i needed to go somewhere where i didn;t know anyone, i would always dash off to the toilets and lock myself in during the break period rather than face people or, what usually happened, stand alone in the corner watching others socialize. To this day i hate going to any kind of social function. I recently left a cousins wake early with my sister to avoid that "alone in the cornoer" feeling.

People say you should join some kind of group or take up a hobby to meet people or have somethng intersting to talk about/share, but i think they underestimate how hard it is for a sociophobe to actually do that. As a result i am a pretty boring person to talk to face to face as i am very bad at small talk and i really just can;t think of things to say. I then get paranoid and think people don;t WANT to talk to someone like me, so just avoid talking to people all together. I am much better at communicating in writing (as you can probably tell!!) whether it be IM or email or txting etc. Then i can be funny, smart, wise, charmong and all that other good stuff. So i KNOW i can do it, just not face to face.

so after my PGCE, I then got the job i am in now and i can honestly say this is the happiest i've been. However i have been at this job for a year now and i don;t have a single member of staff i can call a friend. I avoid the staffroom at all costs (gossipy atmosphere which i don;t like, plus sometimes i just feel plain "in the way"). I have taken to spending my break times hiding out in a room of the school that is hardly used. Its a small school that is very busy, so it just shows the lengths i went to!!! That was kind of when i realized this thing went BEYOND just simply being "shy". (although running away to a toilet cubical whenever i am around strangers was also a clue!) Plus i have recently got in contact with my old school friends. At first i thought it would be great, til reunions were being spoken of. I then realized i would probably make some excuse not to go (these are people who i have not had contact with for 14 years). And now i am trying to think of a way to avoid going to the staff christmas party (tough i honestly don;t think i'll be missed anyway)

When i was younger my mum always used to force me to go to family functions etc and as a teenager i was always the "boring" one as i didn;t go to friends parties (though i helped plan them)

But when it comes to my job now, at the beginning of the school year i decided to bite the bullet and go to the staffroom. Just to make a hot drink and sit down in there had me trembling, though i don;t think it was visiable.

But just recently i have been thinking about the lengths i actually go to to avoid social situations, even with places and people i am familiar with. It goes way beyond shyness and i no longer have my depression to hide behnd.

The funny thing is, when i am around kids (once i am used to them) i am totally fine, able to be my normal, silly self. To see me with kids you would never know i had a problem, its like i am two different people.

At times like that, its nice to feel "free" . I often wish i could laugh and joke and interact normally face to face like other people do and i don;t know why it is so hard for me to do. (well i do now!!) The fact that most phobias are irrational is a relief, because i have literally spent years trying to figure out whats "wrong" with me and why. Now i know there may not even be a reason, it just "is".

Now that i know, i am not so worried about being "cured", however what i would really love is for people to understand and accept me. Sometimes i feel as though people simply write me off as opposed to getting to know me. I admit i take an extremely long time to warm up to people and feel comfortalbe before i can be myself. So i feel like people simply can;t be bothered.

The funny thing is i formed a friendship over IM and he once told me "people like you. They just don't know they like you because they don't know you yet." I just sometimes think no one will EVER know me, or want to.

I guess it has started to get to me lately because before, i knew the situations i was in (college uni part time job) were temporary, so i would always have opportunities for making friends at my next life point. But i really like the job i am in now and i plan to be there for a long time. I have been there a year this month and don;t have a single mate. Don;t get me wrong, 95% of the staff are great and friendly etc and i get along with vast majority. But i am starting to feel very lonely and i can;t simply say "oh well, it is only for a year or two then i'm gone" like i did before. Also i am at that age where people are starting to settle down get married and have families and i know that will probably never be me, even though more than one person has told me i would be a good mother.

So i guess in the long run, yes i would like to be cured. But for now i am just happy knowing what the problem is. And i would be very happy if others who know me knew and could understand and accept it. And if the judge j's of the world could piss off!!

Sorry if i bored anybodt, but since i have never spoken about my feeing outside of a diary, it feels good to get it off my chest. Hopefully i have made someone in a similar situation realise they are not as alone as they think.

Okay having read this I undertstand what you mean fully. I apologize for my last statement.

To be honest with you to a certain extent I can see where your coming from.

At times I would withdraw from certain people too.

Ill elaborate later as I have to attend a family meeting

Tupelo_Honey · (#10 (**permalink**))

I'd never heard of this before - but after reading your posts and doing a lil google search the symptoms sound so familiar - that was me up until I was around 20 - now I'd say I'm just very introverted and have learnt to prefer my own company. I have a few close friends who I love socialising with. I think now I'm not terrified of new social events, i just get nervous. Previously there was shaking, sweating, blushing if anyone spoke to me, lightheadness - it was a nightmare! I'm not sure what helped or what caused the change.

As for friends at work - I was at my last job for 3 years and I only started making good friends in the last year! People I'm now friends with say they used to think I was a stuck-up bitch - not realising that I was just scared of being judged on anything about me and thought I had nothing worthwhile to say. So yes - I too was sitting up at lunch with earphones and a book - I really feel where you are coming from!

Not sure if this helps - but I'm telling you this to let you know that there are people out there like you (even though I only just diagnosed myself!).

Also I don't consider myself "cured" in anyway, because introversion is still a big part of my personality - but you just need to develop some coping strategies for various situations and that should help you feel more comfortable.