In responding to a post on the black womens forum about the high rate of divorces amongst black people, I raised the question of why men (and women) cheat.

From experience of people around me, women tend to cheat because theyhave deep rooted problems in their relationship and/or to meet an emotional need. Men have tended to cheat because they have seen someone they are physically attracted to and need to satisfy that physical urge. (I'm not generalising here because there have been instances where it has been the other way round but of the people I know this has been the majority).

If you or someone you know has cheated or regularly cheats on their partner. What have been the reasons for this?

Intelligent responses only please!!

i was initially gona say cos someone aint happy with other person ..but really it comes down to poor self esteem. if you dont value or respect yourself, and I mean really..not none of this crap talk we all come out with ..bout yeh, i love myself.. bumba foot foolishness..if you loved or checked for ya mate you would never disrespect them .. and if u did.. u'd have the balls to be honest about from day dot or when you did..u'd fess up..cos u know your partner deserves truth..and most of all you'd treat other person way you wana be treated..

but hey we live in a world, where people can't help to think about themselves first..its seems natural tho its wrong!!! how do i know the above..becos i cheated and been cheated on .. and i learnt the hard way..by checking myself, behaviour and why i do things i do.. truss if people checked themselves enough, they'd know they did it becos of sumting else .. ie.. my 1st bf/gf disrespected blah blah, i saw my man/dad cheat, no-one loves me etc..its never to do with your partner..as its all on YOU! what you see, experience in your life, you repeat thru others UNTIL you get a hold on yourself and recognise your patterns/beliefs etc.. cos they are your point of reference to act from.

In short > if you don't value or respect yourself or hold yourself in high regard YOU will never be able to completely do that for another. Capishe?!!!

I'll be honest. I've cheated.I'm only 20 but i can admit that i've done it for various resons.

Sometimes an ex from the past has come back, and other times to get back at my partner at the time. I'm not gonna try and make excuses what i did was wrong. But i can say when i'm truely happy with my relationship and my partner, other men don't even exhist in this world- let alone in my life.

bluhoney.. gotta admit tho.. that based on what you said > either way you had feelings for someone else or you were mad with your partner = unresolved issues> all of which HAD TO DO WITH YOU !!!

Thats not entirely true.

At times it was because i wanted to and could get away with it. Other times i did have unresolved issues- which had been cause by my partner at the time. Don't forget you have 'issues' for a reason; and usually partially because of other people!!

HOLDING ON TO A DEAD RELATIONSHIP WHILE HEARING THE RIGHT THINGS IN THE OTHER EAR.

WINNER OF THE CHEATERS CHOICE AWARD.

JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE CHOICE AWARD.blkscholar

babyblue..
i am not having a go at YOU perse. rather the 'behaviour' is what is wrong, and all I am saying, no matter what the reason, it's a choice you make, hence it being all on you, no matter what 'influenced' you ie.. past boyfriend or old issues. We can dress up or dress down cheating all day long. It is disrespectful to yourself and your partner if you cannot be honest about it and need to sneak about. ie you break an 'agreement' you had with someone, which makes u untrustworthy etc, which all goes back to lack of value or respect for yourself in 1st place, and if thats the case then you cannot possible do it for another!!

As a women, I've cheated in the past becasue I suspected my mate was already cheating. Sometimes you might have never really liked the person to start with but you gave them a chance because they were nice and so now you see someone you really do like. You don't want to dump them because there safe and comfortable but you definitly want the other person but scared it might not work out. So you cheat.

When you see that other person, sometimes its not just that they look better then your mate either.You like the attraction and personality of them and for some reason, your mate is not making you feel like that (anymore). When you first hook up, you are really into that person and you can't wait to be with them, but over time I get nervous because I know that euphoric feeling will soon fade to oblivion. You'll try to revive it and it works a few times but after a while, you will see some one who gives you a jolt of mental stimulation. You will know your hooked as soon as you start thinking about that other person more then your mate.

I don't know why men cheat although I feel men are not too diffrerent but I would cheat manly because of deeprooted problems in the relationship mixed with some physcial attraction. I wont just cheat just because he's fine because he could be stupid and that will turn me off, but he can't be ugly and nice either. Whatever he is, he has to be different from my mate in some way personality, aura, they way he treates me oreven looks.

I have cheated before. I had the opportunity to. For that moment, I was satisfied. I was thinking about myself. But In the very end, It wasn't worth it because you are still with your present partner and situation. It doesn't fix you and your mates problems. For me, It was because a lot of things, sex, intellectual stimulation, and escape (emotional relief), mainly, the sex. I have always condemned cheating, until I got married(not that it is right, but you will never understand until you are in those shoes,and have to deal with the consequences). My wife is 30. I'm 25, from Brooklyn, NY. Shes from El Paso, TX, where we live. I am an Iraqi vet. I feel that mentally, I have been through more drama and life experience in the last 5 years, plus being from NY, than she has had living in El Paso in the last 10. She really love me and vice v.s., a very nice person, but too nice. Too soft. Too tired. She wants me to express my feelings when I am upset, especially at her, inthe way that some women do, like this is a professional soap show ("All My Children") when they all ready know why you are upset, instead of leaving me alone to cool off so that I can communicate in a way that she basically can understand. She follows me around nagging and picking until I let her have it, and thenI'm the bad guy.

Our communication has beenfailing on both our parts, and she is at that womens " I'm 30 Stage", and letting herself go. She feels old. Mature is one thing, but Old is another. I'm not old and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that is old or should I say, thinks they're old. I wont be old for a long time. It is one thing to joke about it, but when you believe it.......How can folks that are older than you say they are young, and you are young. On the extreme side, we have all seen plenty of women in their 40's (and men) with the sexual power to attract the dead. Old people don't posses that power. They have beauty, not "booty"mad-moonie.Not the superstars either. I'm a young Black man, but a "man", and a soldier, and if you have no physical disabilities, there is no reason for you not to stay in shape(keep that body up), even in your 30s. The same applies to men. I'm young, and 40 is young. My father is old enough to be my grandfather, and probably old enough to be some of your parents father. Giving hell just like anyone of us.He is pushing 70+. He has the appearance, heart,soul,and physical condition of 50yrs. And he smokes, which is not good.

Old is when you let yourself go when you"think" you've done it all.I feel that I don't feel that I disrespected anyone. I have no desire to run off with another woman. I'm not using my wife either.If I did not love her, I would leave. If you really listen to some peoples stories, Its a crazy world. These days,Love has nothing to do with sex. If you cant separated these things, then you are blind and you will be in for a rude awakening, even me. But Respect has everything to do with "you" first, and then your relationship(your partner).

You are going to try to deal with it, fix it, or let it go.We all make mistakes no matter how old you are. Its harderon me, "Love don't Love Nobody, Love don't come Easy, and No Pain, No Gain" I have to make a big decision for myself. I do love her but what is best for me?

Final Justice..

I hear you, but you are making excuses for your wife. Talk to her about what bothers you. Do not go and keep doing the dirty on her. That is not the right behaviour of a good man.
It is all about YOU, if you are not happy, then you have a responsibility to YOURSELF, to take care of your shit, especially when it comes to those you love.

Have some intergrity and fess up. It will you leave a lot less burdened. It sounds like you gone through enough anyway, and you don't need a woman that's on ya back 24/7.

Cheating is wrong no matter which way it's looked at. You are in effect breaking an agreement you have your partner. If it's time to go your seperate ways then you need to be man enough to say that and let her go! When I talked about respect.. I meant she deserves the truth, as she deserves that much at least.