This self-esteem issue really is key. When it comes to females, I'll say that too many of us have the notion that the whole purpose of life is to have and keep a man. There are too many women who cannot be alone for even ten seconds without feeling worthless because they don't have some male's attention. It is this sort of mentality which drives these women to go out with these deadbeats, who happen to be widely available,instead of holding out for something better. And what more, they'll engage in any kind of slackness, just to hold the interest of these men. If a man cannot be with you unless you agree to have unprotected sex with him, then just show him the front door. You'd think anyone with half a brain can understand this, but not these women, nooooo. They're too afraid to lose their status symbols.

I think a lot of this problem can be solved by instilling a sense of self in our daughters and letting them know that yes it is good to be in a relationship, but that is not all there is to life. Knowing your worth usually means that you will also go out and find someone who is worthy of your affection. It means that you're not goingto engage in slack behaviour just to keep someone by your side.

@Mezmerized

Yes we;re the Mothers and you;re right..it all starts with us and the way we rear them.

Its not just Black women who spoil them though. Italian men are renowned for being total Mummy boys. Their Mothers rule the roost even when he;s married with family of his own.

And Irish men....I;ve known Irish Mothers still run their boys bath at age forty...

My son is 22 years old now and although he was the Cutest and mosy Beloved being on this earth to me, I always kept in mind that one day he would be someone;s husband and Father and so I kept some discipline with myself in dealing with him. I;m proud to say he has very good and healthy morals about women and relationships and sexual health.

But Mothers have got to behave decently themselves while rearing their children. Respect dont come automatically just cos you;re a parent. It has to be earned and you have to walk your talk or they;ll never respect you. Kids dont do as you say, no matter how much you may lecture. They will always do as you do.

Well I guess you guys can only speak from your experiences as can I. But Mez/liberiangirl you are hardlined now, but it may be a different story if you ever give birth to a GIRL lol

I say what is the point of locking the stable's door after the horse has bolted?

Prevention is always preferable to the cure - everyone knows that. But not by fear and trepidation - that can lead to confusion because if the child wants to talk she may find she can't talk to you because you have become so formidable to her. So she learns by doing. So she becomes pregnant. So she becomes another statistic. Seen that happen.

It may be impossible to some degree to instill self-esteem intoeveryone who lacks it.So whatdo you do with them? I think it's wrong to say to wash your hands off them forever - am I the only one who can see only more problems will happen with that?

Nah bothgirls/women andboys/men first and foremost need a strong culture behind them. Something us disporians lack, (we all know why). Then they need to understandthe concept of marraige and the importance and relevance of children according to our culture.

A house built on solid rock will withstand - a house built on sand will fall.

Locsgirl the - 'doing what I do' rule is what I lived by and it is the best way. Any other way is hyprocrisy and children definately sees right through that. blktype

lilsoulful1 wrote:

AND I suppose you mean a BLACK man right ! whERAS maybe if it was a rich a*s white dude, you'd stay put hhmmm ? What da rarse has this got to do with anything I have said?confused3

What makes you think that because he's got 3 kids to 3 different women he'd be a deadbeat? I wouldn't be staying long enough to find out.

I'm not going to lie, cause I think most people would question a guy in a situation like that, but to not give him a reasonable chance or any consideration is ridiculous. People make mistakes in life and life goes on. A man who has 3 children by 3 different women is obviously not a man I want anywhere near me or my children. What kind of example is that setting? Yes people make mistakes, but you are supposed to LEARN from them, not REPEAT them continuously.

*People need to stop breeding with everyone especially when the brothers and sisters don't know one another. You never know they may come across one anotherand like what theysee...and then you'll have BIGGER problems!

LilSoulful1 wrote: The website is BRILLIANT and I think more women should send photos in of the deadbeats. Its wrong to leave a woman ALONE with the stress of raising a child, when it comes to money, food, blah blah blah ! This website needs massive launching and advertising because it will bring so many to shame for the years of neglect they've given to a poor child and woman. AND STOP BLAMING THE WOMAN ! Either way, the father STILL has his RESPONSIBILTY.

I agree these men should be forced to take responsibility for their actions, ie taking money from their wages to pay child support et cetera. With regards to your statement that the woman (who set up the website in question) should not be blamed, who do you think should take responsibilty for her and countless black women in our communitysleeping aound with every tom, dick and harry? Black women who date/sleep around with thugs/baddies should be held accountable 2 for their stupid and nonchalant actions. Just remember, not all men are baddies and not all women are saints.

Enuff said.

some of these women who find themselves in this situation actually just want to be mothers more than they want to hold onto a particular man...for most of them almost any man will do; so a succession of men is just as good as one continuous man. in the absence of a man, the loveexpressed by adoring children is enough to sustain some of these women for years- if not for ever.

the role of mother is so desirable to some women that they do not care what circumstances they have to put themselves in to be one. it might seem like a sorry situation to be in for onlookers but for many of those women there is nothing more important, more satisfying, more worthwhile, more joyousthan the role of MOTHER and thejob of bringing up children -with all its problems, for most it is a labour of love. and these womenare not prepared to wait around indefinitely hoping to find someone who might be worthy of being a father for the children they want to have. they then take up theoften very pooroffers from some men and end up as a single mothers, then sometimes go thru the cycle a few more times before their family (2 girls, 2 boys maybe?) is complete. imo it has got a lot to do with low self esteem, low expectationsand of course other factors why some women can let a man impregnate them when it is clear he will not make a decent fatherand probably won'teven try to be any kind offather.

i dont believe its always ignorance that lets some women go ahead and put themselves in this predicament either, more a case of they basically want to be mothers, they want a certain amount of children, want to have them at a certain timein their life maybe,so they do what it takes (have unprotected sex) to achieve those goals. some women are just very happy to bear children and dont really care how this comes to happen as long as the end result isa happy, cute gurgling baby. some women will do this whether or not they are in a stable relationship, whether or not they are comfortable financially, whether or not they have adequate support. because 'single parents' is a term frequently used nowadayswehave somewomen believing such a thing actuallyexists. they then convince themselves that although they cannot find a man who is really suitable to father their children, it doesnt matter as long as they can find a man who is capable of impregnating them and then they can become a... 'single parent'.

i think techicallythe term 'single parent' should only apply to those people bringing up a child alone after the death of a partner. otherwise, there are always two parents in existence and onemay beabsent for whatever reason, but that doesnt mean that parent is somehow absolved of parental duty and ceases to exist as a parent, leaving only a 'single' parent to bear the sole responsibility of parenting.

this also applies to men who are left to raise children by irresponsible mothers who change their minds about wanting to be parents AFTER the child is born already depending on its parents (both) to take care of its needs. like some here have said, it is most often the woman who is left with the responsibility because it is she who carries the unborn, therefore she needs to be more careful about the type of man who she enters into the 'lifelong parenthood contract' with. i also agree with this but wouldlike to add that because the female sex carry the next generation within their bodies for 9 months anddeliver them into the world through the muscular contractions of their bodies does NOT mean that men (who implant the seed in the womb in the first place) do not have any further duty to/responsibility for that seed past that point. i think a lot of men and many women do see things that way and imo that is part of the problem, what are we teaching ourchildren? we have to be mindfulof the messages we pass onto them - even if our generation have got things wrong, we can see where and try to make a change for the next. girls should be socialised to understand how damaging it is for communities where children are not being raised with the correct guidance, adequate parenting and role models, it needs to be drilled in how important having a good mother and father is to a child's welfare. fathers should not be seen as optional - which i currently think is the case.boys should be socialised to understand that just because they dont physically give birth, their offspring is just as much their responsibility to raise as it is the mother of the child's responsibility to raise, and it is not acceptable to walk away from that duty just because you dont feel like doing it.its notonly unacceptable it is disastrous. butbecause of alot of common attitudes(like: parenting is 'womans work', for example) many of the men who abandon their kids orexcuseothers who have doneitwould laugh at that notion. they basically see parenting/child rearingasthe woman's job primarily,so in that case the absence or presence of the father is something of quite minor importance, if fathers play only a small supporting role to the lead role of... 'mother' who is essentially the 'true' parent, theone who really matters in the arenaof child rearing- having been the one who nurtured the developing foetus and then risked life and limb to present it to the world. not really understanding what the role of a father/parent truly is - makes it much easier to walk away from it with little to no guilt/concern about those actions.

although there will probably always be those who feel that it is less shameful for a man to desert his child than if a woman does it, we need to instil into our children that it is shameful and totally unacceptable for both sexes so that adolescents dealing with issues of love/sex/relationships for the first time understand exactly what being a man and being a woman is about, especially in regards to parenthood - whether planned or unplanned.as much as we should disapprove of irresponsible mothers who dont have the interests of their children at heart when they are selfishly getting pregnant for deadbeats time and again, we should also perhaps be a little less accepting of the excuses offered for men as to why they cannot be expected to father the children that they have willingly produced.

WTF!