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I have always had self esteem issues but as I've gotten older and grown into myself I felt as though I've overcame them.

Men have often complimented me and told me that I am pretty/beautiful/could be a model etc. But when I hang out with another female freind men will walk up and talk to them and not me. I just stand there looking like an idiot. It's like they'll take a good look at us and strike up a conversation with the other friend even if she isn't as attractive as I am. It never fails. Years ago, once my friend and I went through the drive thru at McDonald's and some guy looked right over me and asked for my friend's number in the passenger's seat. It was a real blow to the ego because I just got my hair done and I was dressed really nice, everyone told me how great I looked. Don't let it be a freind who is lightskin then I really go ignored (I am a darkskin) I feel like an ugly beast. Once I went to the mall with my lightskin best friend, and in the shoe store the salesguy completely ignored me and acted as if I didn't exist as he was chatting up a conversation with her. I even asked him a question and he didn't even answer me. Yet I visited this same store again by myself, and then he suddenly notices me and says I am beautiful. I don't get it. Am I only beautiful by myself

Even in class, there is this guy who is in my group who I can tell is attracted to me. AT least I think he is. Everytime I walk pass in the hallway he notices me and is eyeing me down (I see him doing this in the corner of my eye). Yet in class when we are doing our group project he talks to all the other women but me. He'll say a few words to me and keep it short.

When this happens I start to feel unattractive and maximize any small flaw I have about myself. I end up going home feeling incredibly ugly and never wanting to hang out with another group of women again. Sometimes I think of things I can do to correct my appearance; plastic surgery etc I just hate being looked over everytime i hang out with some female friends, I just don't have a good time. Even in clubs I hate being amongst other women because I feel like i don't have as much to offer as them. I feel like it takes too much to get noticed when you're in a room filled with other women, even if they aren't attractive. I don't have enough personality, flair, humor or confidence to stand out.

I am single 23, and haven't been in a serious relationship. I have no luck with men. I make sure I dress nice and look great but I don't know. Maybe I need to change something about myself.

can someone give me a few pearls of wisdom on this?

Oh no, I wonder how this is going to pan out. Queue the usual suspects with a helping hand

Welcome to the forum BrownBone110. Men are just men. That's how they act. You don't need to change yourself to please men. Many men do favor light skin. You are not ugly, so do not lighten your skin or do anything else to alter your facial features via plastic surgery. The guy who you say is attracted to you, but likes talking to other women probably thinks it's good to be in the presence of other women. Many men like the company of more than one woman. They are womanizers. The right one will come along for you one day.

Yeah but he specifically ignores me. I am a nice person, not full of myself or anything, and I just don't understand why I am shut out. I'm not pressed for a relatinship with him but it makes things uncomfortable the way he goes out of his way to not notice me. It's not even that serious. I'm just trying to get to know ppl that's all.

I'm not having luck with men at all...another guy in a different class does this as well. I think the girl who sits next to him is his girlfriend, but sometimes she will strike up a conversation with me and he'll get real silent and look agitated. Or even if I don't say anything at all..he just acts funny. i'm not sure if he has something against darkskin girls or what cause some guys just don't like us--his friend is light.

i'm having issues relating to men IMO what can I possibly do to change this. I feel like I give off a aura that I am not approachable..but i don't know what to do about it. i am just very paranoid and don't want to live my life alone because of this

can someone help me?

I think you do may actually have a problem. I'm not being mean. But there is really just no way anyone can help you. Like Black Power said you have to find a way to help yourself. Try talking to a psychologist.

Welcome to the forum first of all.

I can't speak for every man and I've been out of the dating scene for a long time now, however I think this light skinned thing you're using is simply a cop out for one, sorry. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I'm tired of a lot of females using that excuse to save face. Just because you happen to be of a darker a hue doesn't mean a man is automatically going to bypass you to speak to your friend - plus you haven't mentioned if all your friends are lighter than you which I doubt.

Have you considered that you may be manifesting an obvious lack of confidence by your demeanor and/or what you say (and I have a strong feeling this is what it is.....)? Do you come across as standoffish and don't know it? Are you socially awkward? Or do you walk around with a sense of entitlement?

These are things you need to ask yourself or maybe a close friend who can be honest with you? You might have to prepare to hear some serious home truths you may not like.

Some guys are simply idiots, just like how you have idiotic women. However not every guy is gonna feel you and you ain't gonna feel every guy - that's just life. I'm sure you'll reject somebody if you didn't like his vibe or found him ugly. If I'm gonna be honest I feel sorry for y'all in the dating scene in these times cos things are more ruthless now and the pain of rejection can be a be a real mutha, but at the same time you have to know how to play the game.

Start exhibiting more confidence and just relax a bit and you'll notice things will change eventually.

How can you say it's a cop out, and then acknowledge it does happen? I feel as though even if it is true, you would still rule it out no matter what. Because in my case, it IS true. But of course you don't want to face it, which makes my situation even more depressing. That's why I don't like talking about this with black men, you are never honest about looking over dark sistas for a lightskin one.

I don't know how I come across. We can think of a trillion vibes I might send to out to people, but at the end of the day this is who I am. I really don't think I can control how I come across to other people. When I go out, I carry myself just like everybody else.

Men notice me on my own because no one else is around me that's why. You can't always use the confidence argument.

I'll just hang by myself from now on.

I don't think Prince Hakeem is like other black men who overlook dark women for light women.

I just find it emotionally distressing how he dismissed black men overlooking dark sistas as a cop out. No matter how true it may be, black men will always rule this out. And this cycle keeps happening over and over again. I wish it were all in my head, but it's not.

*sigh* I had a feeling it would immediately get to this......

You see there's your problem right there. You ask people for help but because they don't tell you everything you want to hear you get on the defensive - THAT'S unattractive my dear I can tell you that much. A lack of humility won't get you very far, neither will this "I am what I am - deal with it" attitude as everybody has flaws they need to check in order to make self improvement and cultivate emotional, spiritual and mental growth.

You're the one who said you may need to change something about yourself. I simply encouraged you out of sincerity to take a deep look at yourself and ask a close friend about how you MAY come across when conversing with other people. If you don't want to talk about this with 'black' men then fine, if you want your ears tickled then speak with women only from now on.

However if you're already doing everything so perfectly then all the best. It's just a pity it hasn't got you anywhere.

"To check fault in one's self is pure loveliness, YOU break the mirror that reminds you of your ugliness" - One of my favourite GZA quotes.

You know what, I'm curious, this is now the second time this week that I've heard a BLACK woman rubbish Black men..based on absolute bollocks...

The first time was on LBC discussion the effects of Affairs, a black woman claims to be put off Black men because of her dsyfunctional up bringing.. what was strange was the fact that 99% of the callers discussing affairs were white...?

Now I read a contributer stating categorically that BLACK men go for light skin Girls over Dark skin...and i wonder simply has this woman slept/dated every black man on the planet to KNOW this? If not as I somehow suspect I think its just a bit off to be steretyping ALL black men in this way...

I'm not speaking rubbish on black men, if it's true. Being looked over because of my dark complexion has happened to me. Just because I say this has happened, doesn't mean I am implying every black man is guilty of this. And I never said it happens to me all the time.

I think posters took that one comment and assumed that it was my problem is all about, it's only a small part of the problem really.

Y'all don't try to push her over the edge with your comments.

Something i have noticed about some black women(notice i said some) is they always criticize black men if they like a specific kind of black woman,but these same black woman are quick to be happy for a black woman with a non-black man no matter her skin color or what kind of black woman she may be.

Very weird in my opinion.

As always, there are some interesting points raised here.. but I am forced to sit back and ask, has there been an episode in your younger or more recent life, that has caused this over whelming sense of a lack of self esteem. Self esteem is not something that you are born with, but more something that you learn about and grow into.

Let’s for one moment just ignore the dark/light skin points raised (just for one moment) and focus on what is going on in your body when you are confronted with a new (male) face while in the presence of other females.

I sense a whole range of anxiety issues being raised here (the fight or flight response starts to kick in) and as a result of that your brain and your body need to relearn how to deal with this form of stress.

You say when you are by yourself that you feel more comfortable and that men will engage in conversation with you.. well just like a pet owner (and I am not a liking you to an animal) has to learn how to get their pet to behave when that same pet encounters certain situations or people, you have to retrain your body to do the same.

I personally take your issue really seriously and see it a lot in students about to take an exam. In their trial/mock exam they do really good and then in their final, they panic and mess it all up. If it is possible, I would suggest that you seek the help of a local but recommended Hypnotherapist. If they use psychoanalysis as part of their therapy or if they use Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, then a good therapist should be able to reset your trigger points in about 5 sessions.

This may be an expensive way of dealing with your issues but you have to approach it with the same point of view that you would hold to someone who is scared of spider/mice/flying etc and deal with it in that manner; I do wish you well but in the first instance, stop looking for excuses to justify why you think people do not behave towards you (in what you see as a positive manner) the way you expect.

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I have not read every ones reply yet, so forgive me if I say what has already been mentioned.

What can you do to change this? Love yourself more girl - Simple. Nobody can reject YOU if YOU accept YOU! When you love yourself, it will be demonstrated in the way you carry yourself and relate to others. There are so many other factors at play here as well, such as, what these guys are seeing in your friends and not in you... does not always have to be a negative on your part, if you get my drift.

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You still exercising the word MEAN!
I dont understand why people cannot accept these testimonies. Maybe she's trying to overstand herself/others. She's still young, dont knock her, teach her.

Doesn't it seem abit fishy to you? A 23 year old "dark skin sista" calling herself brownbone110 accusing black men of colourism?