This Is What I Meant

lithium-82 · (#1 (**permalink**))

hi ladies,

sorry if my question looked a bit cryptic(though i highly doubt that)but what i meant was am having a hard time to come into terms with my deception(that is,for those who dint read my pathetic poem,i cheated)
though i know al never do that again...how do i make it go away?and will telling my husband about it help?what can i do.

(feel free to insult me...trust me,it wont matter,av already hit rock bottom)

lith.

chaniray · (#2 (**permalink**))

this is a hard call. you can always confess but just know your situation will never be the same again if it even continues to exist.

i wouldn't tell but that's me. i prolly wouldn't cheat either tho. that way i wouldn't have to worry about telling.

i feel for ya sis. hope all goes well.

blaze · (#3 (**permalink**))

I assume your husband was away for some time during your affair from what your poem is saying?

What does your lover say?

Peacemaker · (#4 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by lithium-82

(feel free to insult me...trust me,it wont matter,av already hit rock bottom)

lith.

*Shrugs*

Just makes you the typical woman really. No big deal.

Shemsi en Tehuti · (#5 (**permalink**))

You aren't that different from most women. I read a study here in the States claiming over 60% of both men and women cheat in the life of the marriage. I have my own views of exactly why that is the case, but don't beat yourself up so much. Just learn from your mistakes (if you feel you've made one), and modify your behavior accordingly. That is all you can really do as a testament of your love for your husband. Nothing you say will help.

As for if you should tell him...do so at your own risk...

lithium-82 · (#6 (**permalink**))

thanksyou shemsi,peacemaker,blaze and chaniray,

1.I wont tell...the fact that 60% of spouses do it is a bit re-assuring but i wish i was among the 40%.

2.i wont do it again...av already broken up with "the other man" and i feel relieved.(it was not that hard really...the sex was not that mind blowing anyway...just that i had not done it close to 9 months)

3. Chaniray...i also thought that i would never do it,but with my hubby being away i slipped...i pray you never do.(and if you ever do,please tell me...so i can look smug.hahaha,im kidding)

4.thanks for your words and wisdom

Peacemaker · (#7 (**permalink**))

I wouldn't tell him either, honesty is over rated.. "If" you feel guilty, that in your heart will be punishment enough.

Turning a trusting person into an insecure paranoid son of a bitch isn't what I call an act of kindness.

Maat · (#8 (**permalink**))

lithium,

It's a shame that you had the misfortune of experiencing this. As wrong as an affair/unfaithfulness is, it's always a symptom of an underlying problem in a relationship and is not the only thing that can happen as a result of the underlying problem. You feeling remorse for it in itself is something - a lot of people don't even seem to realize the wrong in the action. Whatever what many would say, in my opinion anyone in a relationship is at risk of being unfaithful no matter how much they would like to think they wouldn't!

As hard as it may be right now, please try not to beat yourself up anymore and don't encourage others to do the same by passing their own judgement on you. Many will be more than happy to oblige which will only make them feel better but not you. There's no point making the situation worse.

It's good that the relationship with the other man has ended and it would be best for you NOT to have any more contact with him - no matter how hard it might be.

All you can do now is come to terms with the distance (if that is the main problem) from your husband and find other ways to get whatever you are missing - obviously not intimately though. Do you have any female friends or relatives you can talk to in confidence for emotional support without them judging you? If so maybe some time with them is what you need or at least until your husband comes home.

As for telling...well it's up to you but you need to gather your thoughts first. Personally I would want to know if my husband had cheated but the question is can you live with the guilt if you don't tell him? If you do tell him then you need to be prepared for the consequences whatever they may be and know that the ball is then is in his court - so to speak.

I hope things work out for you whatever the outcome.
Good luck!

Maat · (#9 (**permalink**))

@Shemsi & Peace: There's nothing about this situation that is exclusive to women, so please don't be pointing the finger.

Shemsi en Tehuti · (#10 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maat

@Shemsi & Peace: There's nothing about this situation that is exclusive to women, so please don't be pointing the finger.

Oh...I would never say "exclusive" to women my sister, but indeed characteristic of many...

blaze · (#11 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maat

lithium,

It's a shame that you had the misfortune of experiencing this. As wrong as an affair/unfaithfulness is, it's always a symptom of an underlying problem in a relationship and is not the only thing that can happen as a result of the underlying problem. You feeling remorse for it in itself is something - a lot of people don't even seem to realize the wrong in the action. Whatever what many would say, in my opinion anyone in a relationship is at risk of being unfaithful no matter how much they would like to think they wouldn't!

As hard as it may be right now, please try not to beat yourself up anymore and don't encourage others to do the same by passing their own judgement on you. Many will be more than happy to oblige which will only make them feel better but not you. There's no point making the situation worse.

It's good that the relationship with the other man has ended and it would be best for you NOT to have any more contact with him - no matter how hard it might be.

All you can do now is come to terms with the distance (if that is the main problem) from your husband and find other ways to get whatever you are missing - obviously not intimately though. Do you have any female friends or relatives you can talk to in confidence for emotional support without them judging you? If so maybe some time with them is what you need or at least until your husband comes home.

As for telling...well it's up to you but you need to gather your thoughts first. Personally I would want to know if my husband had cheated but the question is can you live with the guilt if you don't tell him? If you do tell him then you need to be prepared for the consequences whatever they may be and know that the ball is then is in his court - so to speak.

I hope things work out for you whatever the outcome.
Good luck!

Beautiful response.

Peacemaker · (#12 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maat

@Shemsi & Peace: There's nothing about this situation that is exclusive to women, so please don't be pointing the finger.

There nothing in my post that said it was EXCLUSIVE TO WOMEN so learn to read what you read, and understand the words written in context of the subject matter instead of coming to some inane conclusion that I nor no one else ever alluded to.

If I never mentioned males it's because the topic has never given me a need to bring them up.

Improve your reading comprehension, if that isn't needed then get your imagination in control.

Maat · (#13 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peacemaker

*Shrugs*

Just makes you the typical woman really. No big deal.

There nothing in my post that said it was EXCLUSIVE TO WOMEN so learn to read what you read, and understand the words written in context of the subject matter instead of coming to some inane conclusion that I nor no one else ever alluded to.

If I never mentioned males it's because the topic has never given me a need to bring them up.

Improve your reading comprehension, if that isn't needed then get your imagination in control.

Oh dear! Bad day huh?! What I said was not a personal attack so no need to take it that way.

I don't see how this situation is "typical" of women. The topic was never about gender so no need to bring it into the mix.

This is why my point to both you and Shemsi is that unfaithfullness is not about gender at all it's about vulnerability. If you comprehended the situation being put forward by lithium, you would not have made the statement.