women an adult question to you?

Kunjufu · (#1 (**permalink**))

I was talking a girlfriends at work [this in the real sense of the word] about long term relationships and the women who have affairs....often the focus on affairs is on the men who cheat and acceptance that me will cheat... However i wonder when women decide to be unfaithful what would their reasons for having their head turned and entering in an affair..... and if women do have affairs what do they want or expect to get out of such liaisons.. Typically for example it is accepted that men do this for 'sex', 'ego' or 'the conquest thing'... But i wondered what do women who have thought about it or have done it expect from an affair and what triggered them to get involved in the first place....

Men..I'm really looking to get contributions from women and NOT a Male perspective or a MALE commentary on women who have affairs so I'd be grateful if you allow those women who are brave enough to comment to do so unhindered, If you are going to contribute then do so from the perspective expanding not judging or dragging in your own agenda into this thread..

Thanks...

Ps..i'm gonna be strict any off topic posts will be removed without warning...

Afriki · (#2 (**permalink**))

welll.......I personally have never cheated; flirted shamelessly in my younger days, yes...but never came close to cheating.
That said...
I tend to be more AWARE of other men when me and mine aren't getting along. For example, say he never opens doors, shows public affection and this is on my mind, I WILL notice a man who does these things and think "why couldn't he...."
Women tend to be more retaliative also, so if they suspect that their man is cheating or even thinking about someone else it may give them the desire to "get even" and many times they may use their sexuality to do this.

If their man isn't paying attention to them is another reason. The idea seems to be that men who cheat would cheat regardless of if they have a dimepiece who cooks for them every day and fulfills their sexual appetite...the "ego" theory, or just lack of physical control, while women who are satisfied with their partner are less likely to cheat. The idea that men cheat more frequently than women goes along with the idea that women are able to reach a level of complete satisfaction while men are "unsatiable"; doomed to "settle" and the ability to remain faithful counts solely on their ability to ignore their need for something "more" than what they have. I don't know if this is true, but I've never had a desire to "jump someone" while I was with my man, at least not enough to actually do it, even with ample opportunity. Not to say that I haven't met men that I know I would be interested in pursueing if I were single, I just knew I was not callous enough to deal with the guilt afterward.

my overriding opinion? There are just some cheatin ass people in general. I've known women who do it, indiscriminately, and don't see anything wrong with it. I've also seen men who contact their female friends stating that they are involved with someone and would not feel comfortable getting together solo with them anymore, even if it's innocent.

x_Lullaby_x · (#3 (**permalink**))

Afriki

I totally identify with what you are saying about being more aware when things are not going too great - oh and the shameless flirting.......I hear that!

However, cheating is not for me. I dont like lies and I'm terrible at it. I also have been raised to believe that nice girls 'just don't' - I would feel like some kind of hooker. Saying this, I do understand that many people have their weaknesses, but I think this is part of the reason so many marriages end in failure. The grass may seem greener, the age old excuse of not getting enough at home etc.

I've always believed that nothing in life worth having comes easily. You have to work at it. I would never marry a man that I knew prior to marriage had a wandering eye, but things do happen, from both sides, nobody is perfect.

Soulstarr · (#4 (**permalink**))

Sometimes, it's easier to stay in something even when you're not happy, than it is to be brave and take the plunge and end it. Rather than go throught the motions of a break up, some people would rather have an affair. I think that way you end up getting whatever it is you're missing at home whenther it's attention, romance, sex etc etc, without having to deal with your porblems the right way.

In short, it's the cowards way 'out' IMO.

Incognito · (#5 (**permalink**))

Hopefully not off topic, it would be nice to hear from some women who do or have cheated

Soulstarr · (#6 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Incognito

Hopefully not off topic, it would be nice to hear from some women who do or have cheated

Can't help you there incog. I've seen what cheatin does to people. I'm not gonna be the person that causes that kind of pain to someone.

DtotheJ · (#7 (**permalink**))

sorry kunjufuu

gonna be impossible to get an honest response from a member who has cheated....everybody knows why.

Kunjufu · (#8 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by DtotheJ

sorry kunjufuu

gonna be impossible to get an honest response from a member who has cheated....everybody knows why.

You're probably right, however i'm not looking for people to confess their infedelity, more a women's point of view of why women could or might be unfaithful whilst in a relationship, just for clarification....

Sugashorti · (#9 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kunjufu

You're probably right, however i'm not looking for people to confess their infedelity, more a women's point of view of why women could or might be unfaithful whilst in a relationship, just for clarification....

My father's half-sister Aunt M. was married 3 times but had many affairs. It was strange that her first husband put up with this for many years and then, one day he left and divorced her, settled down with a woman from St. Kitts and had 3 children.

My mother came from the generation who felt children should not hear grown up conversations. I was hard ears at the time; when she went to the shop I crept upstairs, listening by the floor-boards to my father and his half-sister's conversation in the room below.

I can remember my father being very upset with her, for ruining marriages of friends he knew. She said "Am I any different than you. Every Saturday you pretend to do overtime, but meet your women instead. Those woman you buy expensive items, leaving your wife short on money to feed your children. All for the sake of sex, why should I care about the wives and children if the men do not care".

Aunt M said "I laugh at your friends who give me things to keep my mouth shut, frightened I will acknowledge them every time I see them on the street with their wives. Those wives who think they're so respectable and look down on me, I take great delight in sleeping with their men, knowing these men will beat them because they are afraid to be found out.

"You want me to behave like those women, I ain't getting old sitting at home lonely, waiting for the man to come home. I am going to find my fun too, why should I not enjoy sex. I tell you, my husband can't please me in bed, or make me feel good. I like all the attention and compliments, I am not in love with these men, I tell them what I want, and no black man is beating me when they angry at the world".

My father never one to think things through, called her a whore, so Aunt M. threw the hot coffee pot in his lap. With my father screaming "You bitch!", Aunt M. is laughing, she said "Did I burn it? Your mother slept with a horse, all the men I slept with, I never saw one as big as my little brother". This was the family's big secret: that Aunt M. had taken her half brother's virginity. Just then my mother returned from the shops, wanting to know what had happened. My father made some excuse about knocking the coffee pot over.

I do not think the reasons would be any different for a women who has affairs than for a man. With Aunt M. it was about having power to control the men's lives using sex. Later it was about emotional gratifications: she married a wealthy man who was more interested in business, so she retaliated, having several lovers who did not ignore her. At the end of her third marriage, she spoke about men as 'challenges' or 'opportunities', to be seduced while the wife is not available. My mother said to my father this talk hid Aunt M.'s low self-esteem and the affairs were just a way to run from her responsibilities: Aunt M. was now dealing with a third husband who was dying of cancer.

Afriki · (#10 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugashorti

My father's half-sister Aunt M. was married 3 times but had many affairs. It was strange that her first husband put up with this for many years and then, one day he left and divorced her, settled down with a woman from St. Kitts and had 3 children.

My mother came from the generation who felt children should not hear grown up conversations. I was hard ears at the time; when she went to the shop I crept upstairs, listening by the floor-boards to my father and his half-sister's conversation in the room below.

I can remember my father being very upset with her, for ruining marriages of friends he knew. She said "Am I any different than you. Every Saturday you pretend to do overtime, but meet your women instead. Those woman you buy expensive items, leaving your wife short on money to feed your children. All for the sake of sex, why should I care about the wives and children if the men do not care".

Aunt M said "I laugh at your friends who give me things to keep my mouth shut, frightened I will acknowledge them every time I see them on the street with their wives. Those wives who think they're so respectable and look down on me, I take great delight in sleeping with their men, knowing these men will beat them because they are afraid to be found out.

"You want me to behave like those women, I ain't getting old sitting at home lonely, waiting for the man to come home. I am going to find my fun too, why should I not enjoy sex. I tell you, my husband can't please me in bed, or make me feel good. I like all the attention and compliments, I am not in love with these men, I tell them what I want, and no black man is beating me when they angry at the world".

My father never one to think things through, called her a whore, so Aunt M. threw the hot coffee pot in his lap. With my father screaming "You bitch!", Aunt M. is laughing, she said "Did I burn it? Your mother slept with a horse, all the men I slept with, I never saw one as big as my little brother". This was the family's big secret: that Aunt M. had taken her half brother's virginity. Just then my mother returned from the shops, wanting to know what had happened. My father made some excuse about knocking the coffee pot over.

I do not think the reasons would be any different for a women who has affairs than for a man. With Aunt M. it was about having power to control the men's lives using sex. Later it was about emotional gratifications: she married a wealthy man who was more interested in business, so she retaliated, having several lovers who did not ignore her. At the end of her third marriage, she spoke about men as 'challenges' or 'opportunities', to be seduced while the wife is not available. My mother said to my father this talk hid Aunt M.'s low self-esteem and the affairs were just a way to run from her responsibilities: Aunt M. was now dealing with a third husband who was dying of cancer.

damn. that sounds like a Toni Morrison novel.

Mr. Equanimity · (#11 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Afriki

damn. that sounds like a Toni Morrison novel.

You know!! I'm sitting here sipping some herbal tea (no homo, lol)

Sugashorti · (#12 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Afriki

damn. that sounds like a Toni Morrison novel.

I wish it was a novel, not part of my childhood growing up, Aunt M was quite an character, the polite term for an bitch but she ended up an very lonely angry old woman.