The reason I ask is because I think I'm seeing a growing trend, not just among my friends but from articles I've read and TV programmes I've watched of women turning to ex-lovers, having one-night stands and sleeping with their best male friends simply to have a baby without being in a solid relationship with them. For years we've heard about teenage girls having babies because they want "someone to love" but it seems there are now lots of 20 and 30-something women, many of whom are successful, intelligent and beautiful, doing the same thing.

Take my friend A. She wanted a baby for years and got to her late thirties realising there weren't a heap of eggs left in the old basket. She quickly hooked up with an old flame (who was always dead against having kids) and within the space of a few months fell pregnant. She felt she just didn't have enough time to wait for Mr Right. She is currently a single parent. Fortunately for her, her ex has been supportive unlike the ex-partner of my friend B who had kid no1 with Mr No-Good and did nothing but cuss him after the baby was born.

Two years later she's pregnant again for this man despite not being in a proper relationship with him. And yes she continues to cuss him for not being a doting dad to his two children. Luckily, friend B has enough money to survive on her own so she doesn't really need Mr No-Good, although I wouldn't be suprised if she has another child for him in the not so distant future.

Friend C was the person that shocked me the most. Successful, middle-class with her own business and home, suddenly began to panic when she reached her mid-thirties and had no children to show for it. She meets a man at a party and within a year of dating she's pregnant for this guy who is nowhere near her level. She says it was "an accident" - it was no accident - she'd planned the baby (in her head). But the guy wants very little to do with his son. So like friend B, she has now resorted to cussing him day and night.

Why are so many women doing this? In the end it's the children that suffer.

To me it seems that some women when they reach a certain age are opting to treat their "boyfriends" like a sperm bank rather than actually going to the bank itself. One thing I do know is that women shouldn't expect a man, who've they've only known for a short space of time to suddenly turn into Britain's Best Dad once little Katie or Kyle is born. Yes men should be responsible fathers, but I think a woman needs to make the decision jointly with her man on whether to have the baby or not. Single parenthood isn't easy and I should know as the daughter of a single mother. Isn't it better to wait for Mr Right than get knocked up by Mr Wrong?

The whole situation is very sad and is contributing to the growing tide of single mothers in society and the troubles that plague their offspring - but that's another topic.

Jewel

Jewel...I've definately heard about this practice and known women who have done this..personally i think its out of order....and the worst way to bring children into the world... In fact i remember having a ding dong argument on BBC radio London on this subject when some muppet of a woman thought it was cool and ok to do this..and practically made out that fathers was not needed... Then she had the cheek to suggest that society ought to be 'grateful' to women like her...

I have also known of a woman who slept with a man leading him to believe she was on contraceptives whilst planning to get pregnant...which she eventually... For me this is one of the reasons why some men would be very careful about taking up with childless women of a certain age... Because there is a chance they would do that to you...

No one here would admit such a thing, but with peoples values being dictated by their predicament I guess many just haven't crossed that bridge yet. This is quite a normal trend, accepted by both man and woman, I've had women tell me up front they want my baby so at least it will have a brain. Facety, after a dozen semen-for-brains man done rinse it out.

I really think that in western society this is a symptom of a wider problem. Every man and woman has choices as to what they wish to do, but in the end, at least I think for the wide majority of people, nature will in the end dictate. What I mean by this is, I know countless strong black women, who have their own career, home, car, money, social life....and 'never needed a man'......until they have it all and that biological clock begins to tick. Isnt it funny how a successful, intelligent woman's common sense can fly out of the window in this situation?

I have also had friends who have been in a situation of this sort - some I have kept my own counsel with, some I have voiced my opinion to - I find it selfish. YOU want a child? YOU dont need the father around? What about the rights of a child? Isnt there a reason that we cannot procreate alone? Single parenthood isnt easy on a mother or father but how is it for the child? Im not saying that there arent single parents out there that attempt daily to move mountains for their little ones - I am one of them - but Im not one by choice.

Ive also heard of situations where a man will deliberately tamper with condomns or lie about his fertility in order to achieve the same result, has anyone else heard of this?

Lullaby you are on to something when you say it's the way our society is set up.
Procreation is what we do. At the way life is structured, imagine if everyone waited till they had a good career/job financial standing. There will be alot of old parents, not saying old parents are a bad thing, but just illustrating how everyone's path and development in life doesn't always fit this pattern we are force fed to follow. It's more about the way we as a society are taught to live as opposed to the individual procreation choice.

Very good topic Jewel.

I've heard of this and don't agree with it. It's a bit of a lazy and short term way to go about things. It makes me question the thought process behind it because it doesn't seem to have been done properly if they go ahead and get pregnant.

I agree that the child's future isn't considered enough by the woman. We have more than enough examples of what happens when fathers aren't involved in their childrens' lives whether they chose to be or not. I mean what is it that convinces them enough that a child doesn't need a father? What does that tell us about our idea of family - if we think about family at all? Furthermore what does that tell us about how realistic it is to wait for Mr Right only to end up with Mr You'll do?

This happened to a close friend of mine and what completely baffled me and him of course about the situation is that as a couple they seemed fine and relatively happy. As soon as the baby was born the mother just went cold and cut him off completely!! It's been hard hearing of the lengths he's had to go to to see his child because he genuinely wants to be there for her. Thankfully after about 6 years he got the call to be "allowed" to see his daughter but to be honest I reckon she started to put pressure on her mum asking about him. I wonder how other women deal with this and just raising the children alone in general.

I think it's misleading to say that this is only happening to a certain age group. As i write this, a friend of mine is pregnant and when she told THREE other friends, who are all under 30, they all burst into tears and said they wished it was them. Their behaviour doesn't shock me....a lot of women, young and old alike, are getting desperate for some weird reasons.

I don't see how having children younger yet out of marriage or stable relationships is any better than women in their 30s or 40s doing it. Besides, i'd rather be a single mother later on, rather than now(IF i have to...lol)

Our societies are just a little messed up....

Its not good at any age. If younguns have the immaturity excuse to fall back onthe olders can claim desperation no?

If you are going to spend your younger years, building a decent life, career for yourself, (as you should) then why ruin all that by 'breeding' for any idiot man?

Why prefer to be a single mother worrying about the wotliss father more then the child, why not just a mother? Adoption?

depends how desperate you are for a child. for some women, yes, getting knocked up by mr wrong is preferable to waiting for mr right (who may never show up) and consequently a life without children.

the thing is, you can't wait for ever. your eggs have a shelf-life and for some women, if they wait until they are too old to have a child they would regret not just going for it with mr wrong when they still could. looking at the 'women who don't want kids' thread it seems quite a few people think that women should have kids by any means necessary, and if that means having kids who wont have a dad - so be it. i do not subscribe to this btw.

how is what they have built ruined? i see no real difference in breeding for an idiot at 19 or at 39. the end result is the same: a kid with an idiot for a dad. the only slight difference is that the 39 year old might be in a better position/better equipped to be a lone parent than the 19 year old. on the other hand, maybe she wont because the 19 year old may well have her parents to offer practical support whereas the 39 year old is more likely to have elderly parents or may even have lost one or both of them by that time, so may literally be doing it all by herself - unless siblings or friends could be relied on to step in when needed.

@ maat - I believe its not the case that these women think the child doesnt need a father. their desperation overrides anything else (including commonsense) and there is a part of them that believes that a child can maybe do without a dad if it comes to the crunch. especially as they are so fully committed to becoming a mother, and then they convince themselves that they will be able to make up for the lack of a father somehow.

@ mezmerised - I agree that it isnt an age thing. some girls are desperate to be young mothers (under 25) and get pregnant by unreliable guys just because they want to fulfil this desire. no thought to creating a stable family unit or anything else other than dressing up their baby in designer garments and jewellery and showing off to their peers.

@ jewel - to the question you pose, i can't think of many things worse than using a man just to have a child with no thought to the quality of your relationship or the relationship the child may end up having with its dad. even a future without children seems preferable to that.

I think that doing this is selfish. If i was in this situation i would rather go without having kids but each to their own on this but i still think that it is selfish.

There are benefits and negatives to having kids at a younger age. Some mothers still manage to build up their career even though they had kids whilst young.