[x_Lullaby_x]

Hi

I would jus like some unbiased advice concerning my foster daughter who has been living with me for the last seven months. I'm an experienced foster carer, and have never had any problem handing the children back and so forth.

I was once in foster care myself, and have manged to leave the past behind and become a strong balanced successful female despite all the odds and people who said I would never amount to anything.

I have been caring for this young lady for seven months now. When I allowed her into my family I had read her file and knew that her behaviour was off the scale; I was obviously paid accordingly, but did not allow for the fact that I would like her so much.

In the past six months, her behaviour INSIDE my house has been exemplary. She's polite and well behaved, she helps around the house until I feel to remind her that she thirteen and she dont need to try to do so much. My children adore her, and my family believe she is just abused and neglected - which she has been - and just needed direction and stability, which I know I can provide.

My problem is her behaviour outside the yard - which is a whole different story. Since she moved in it has improved maybe slightly, but not noticably, and she is engaging in some real self destructive behaviour, which impacts on everyone around her.

Please let me stress that this child has never harmed anyone apart from herself. She has never been arrested or absconded from my home. She is just a disturbed teen raised by a wotless person - she is certainly not violent, she does not do drugs, she attends school and does her homework - she continues to follow my directions and attend church - I cannot find fault INSIDE my yard. She does not self harm in a physical sense, ie, cutting herself. Her primary problem is BOYS and SEX.,

So, bottom line, my question is, would you try to help this young lady? My dilemma lies with friends telling me to think of my babies who are only small and could not hear of her behaviour yet outta road, or let her be swallowed up into the system and let her fight her way out herself?

I was in this situation when I was a child and was lucky enough to be fostered by a strong black woman who fought my corner, even to the point where she was struck off as a foster carer. Im sure it would not come to that but, I feel to do the same, and in the end, I m already pretty sure that I will, but would just like opinions of others before I commit to my final decision.


My first instinct is to fight for her....she's beautiful, intellegent and talented, plus, she strikes a real chord with me.


So my question is....
Would you fight for her or let her go?

[blessingfromgod]

Hi Lullaby.
When you say she is self harming via her sexual involvement with boys, do you know how old these boys are? So you arlready have a statutory obligation to 'fight for her' by forwarding this information to her social worker, who should be working very closely with you to get her linked in with the sexual health advisors and counsellors etc.

However aside from the above, are you asking if you should adopt this young girl? I say fight for her. You believe in her and your stable loving family could be the lifeline she needs. You have said there is a positive change in her compared to the info in her files. I also feel, there is a spiritual reason your life events are very similar to hers, I say the good Lord has sent her to you! Follow your heart. No matter how it turns out, your intent is pure.

Your friends sound mean by the way.

[x_Lullaby_x]

Thanks BlessingfromGod, Im going to do just that. Its hard for my friends to understand, as I would never explain to them her personal history, but, as I have explained to more than one of them, thirteen year old girls do not turn out this way if they have been properly loved and cared for.

She is a nice little girl with huge potential, and I am looking forward to watching her growth.

[facetygal]

@ Lullaby

Do you have support meetings? Have you spoken to the girl, has the social worker spoken to the girl? Has the girl received any counselling? Do you think u have exhausted all the options for getting this girl help?

My folks have been in the fostering game for a while, we've had all sorts of kids come into our house disrespect my folks, steal from us, attempt to rob our house, lie to social workers about us. It is hard, and sometimes I think my folks are crazy for doing it. But what is the other option? Have the kids stay in care until they turn 18? Stay with another foster family who cares more about the money than the kids?

No this girl isn't beyond help, and if you have the time and patience you should stick with her.

[mari eve]

It sounds like you've been doing all the right things with this young girl and she is clearly beginning to flourish in your care.

I think the key word is "Beginning" shes come on so far & its been only 7 months she obviously trusts you.
Realising destructive behaviour is impossible to eradicate in just a few short months. I agree with all thats been said already stay close to her talk about her low self esteem the reason why she is engaging with boys the way that she is. try & keep on to of her sexual health / contraceptive needs.

I'm sure with what you've said Given enough 'Time' this young lady will stabilize

Good Luck!

[mi$$]

So you where paid accordingly because of her behavior but you found her behavior to be fine as far as its impact on you is concerned. I hope you then went back to social services and asked for a decrease in your pay...

And as far as adopting her do you even know if she wants to be adopted, do you know the very specifics of why she is even in care in the first place?


Sorry I understand you asked for an unbiased opinion but since social services have been involved with my family and made it a complete hell and the foster carer actually thinks she made a difference to the child's life and is actually a better mother !!

Now Ive told the foster carer on many occasion she has completely got it wrong and im a credible witness to know the ins and out, yet rather than be the christian she claims to be and say' you know what this person is telling me the social services are wrong, rather than be unsure whether Im doing right by the child I rather have nothing to do with this case... i would rather take on a child that i know for a FACT is better off with me. ...

So my advice would be first off all are you really really sure you are better for the girl than her real family? How do you know? If she is still being destructive outside of the home then what difference are you making to her life?

Unless you want to adopt the girl and she wants you to, and really make a commitment to her... then....how much do you really care