Crustructive criticisms and hints thread

The Watcher · (#1 (**permalink**))

This is a thread related to the LEAD TO ANYWHERE story started by athaba.

http://www.blackchat.co.uk/theblackf...m39/14624.html

So the here was can comment on what was written and critique each other's style and writting without breaking up the flow of the story in that thread.

What did you like about someones paragraph? What have you noticed that needs changing in someones style...

be constructive not abusiveniceone.gif

Saida.M · (#2 (**permalink**))

DM I'm just loving the story!

I will say though that all of us could do with adding more description to the story, but I think that may come as we go on. Plus because we are only allowed one paragraph each, it gets a bittricky.

What do you say about any of them?

The Watcher · (#3 (**permalink**))

I think a lot of people are using too many descriptive words and some are repeating them. Also I get the feeling of people using big words for effect when a smaller one would do. Put the thesaurus down and be natural.

I like so far too though athaba. Peoples imaginations are funny. I like when people take the story in unexpexted directions.

free · (#4 (**permalink**))

Been reading through, impressive stuff...

Big word business is true, but then I can't talk... I am always told off for writing like I have swallowed a dictionary...

safetyblitz · (#5 (**permalink**))

Wel how about constructively criticizing one of my old post match write ups for my soccer team? I felt as if I hit a rut last season and be harsh, but not on the typos.

The dawn of a new era in Cyclones football came as we donned the maroon jerseys bought at a cheap price from Memphis United. Also, Greg after extensive hours of recreating each Cyclone player likeness on EA Sports FIFA 2005, determined with pinpoint precision where everyone should be on the field. Except me as the program kept saying to trade me for a used Gatorade keg, but I will email EA Sports later on that bug in their game.

With the newly reworked lineup, the Cyclones took the field against the Infidels, err Americans (sorry I have been watching too many BBC interviews with terrorists) and were looking to see how this new lineup would pay off. Both teams had met in the preseason in a wide open match and this would looked to be the same as we score first to take an early 1-0 lead. Being that both teams were familiar with each other some the game got a little physical but nothing that was horrendous, just fouls from hard play. A few minutes later after the Cyclones goal, a whiffed kick by yours truly let a perfectly playable ball bounce into position for a charging member of the GREAT SATAN, errr Americans (I gotta stop watching BBC LOL) player to pick off and place in the net to tie the score. Like Beckham in Euro 2004, I pointed to my shoe/ground as the culprit. Luckily when I did look down, I had actually lost a cleat, saved by cheap shoes off Ebay!!! Even better my mistake was forgotten about a few minutes later as we jumped out to 2-1 with a well worked ball splitting their defense. Giving us back the lead which again only lasted for a few minutes as our keeper who was blinded by the lights (I know some of you are saying â€œWhat light?â€? but I am sticking up for my keeper ) threw the ball directly to feet of the best player on the pitch for the A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N-S, *whew* had to go slower that time, who in turn, rammed the ball right into the back of the Cyclone net making it 2-2. We were surprisingly moving the ball around the field with ease, but for some reason all the cylinders were not firing on defense.

Halftime was mostly laughter as we determined how to launch our on pitch jihad err attack and pull away from the Zionists uhh, Americans, (Dang it, I am switching the TV off now before I am labeled a Dixie Chick lover and have my own protest signs at the pitch LOL)

The second half really kicked off with a bang as the Cyclone guys started to put on the style points as 4 goals were concocted in the half and none given up. Not that the Ah-muh-muh-mericans, see I am getting better since I have switched off the foreign news feed , as I said not that the Americans were not fighting us all the way, the guys just seemed to run out of steam 10 minutes into the second half. Well everyone but #33. This guy was everywhere defense, center midfield, left wing midfielder, forward, even when he was on the bench he still seemed to be on the field LOL We could have sworn that even seen him selling food on the little truck around the pitch. This guy was working his butt off for the Americans. He literally crossed a ball into the box from the right that hung in the air, ran to the middle of the top of our box after players from both teams whiffed at the ball and fired the ball just a little past the left post of our net and no one from either team seemed to realize what he had done. I mean when you think about it who gets to their own cross? Like I said this guy was just everywhere. I asked the ref to make sure that he did not have a twin, but we both concluded that as hard as he was breathing as he looked to pass out at any moment there was only one of him.

All in all our lady forwards picked up their play throughout the game as they constantly harassed the backline of the Americans defense. Andrea was even awarded a PK by for her tenacity on the night. The game was fun again for everyone, well on our team anyway. The Americans are a dangerous striking team, but next season may be a force once their keeper gets used to the goal.

The Watcher · (#6 (**permalink**))

Hmmm Ill be back...

safetyblitz · (#7 (**permalink**))

LOL Why do I feel as if I have just hog tied myself to a post with people standing around me with bullwhips? LOL

Nice pic DM LOL

The Watcher · (#8 (**permalink**))

How come the holy father has a daughter? Was I wrong to assume him a Catholic?

Saida.M · (#9 (**permalink**))

You got a point there DM - one that i did not twig onto- but then again what's he doing with a gun! And ... he's intent on murdering someone!

The Watcher · (#10 (**permalink**))

LOL

At least I specified that it was a HUNTING rifle lol... I didn't give him a revolver in the door.

It brings me on to a bigger point though, people need to READ what came before. I mean I read that Obi was determined and knew what he had to do, then I read that he is deciding what to do and again makes up his mind what to do?...

READ!

Taysense · (#11 (**permalink**))

One more thing about this is two people could add the next paragraph simultaneouslyweach with their own direction which can get confusing, almost happened to me on my first post?

Anyways... Problems with and let me know.

Taysense · (#12 (**permalink**))

Damn! Is my paragraph that bad? because it seems I have silenced people from contributing, maybe a different direction than they had in mind?confused3

bluesugar · (#13 (**permalink**))

The problem with the truth is that an individual is usually confronted with one of the most paradoxical forms of amplification in the search for alternative? If I can recall correctly, mamaâ€™s philosophy was concerned with the relationship between truth and knowledge. Whereas, papa questioned: â€œWhat is the truthâ€?. â€œWhat is knowledgeâ€?. Looking backwards, one may ask: What is the history of this will to truth? What are its effects: How are these factors related to power?