After a conversation with a friend of mine who works in childcare told me rather disturbinglyabout a four year old girl who she looks after told her that she hates being black and that she wishes she was "white and pretty." This seems like it isherfamily'sideology which is being passed on to a child, and for them to pick up on so young is ever so damaging.

Too often I've heard this reference to 'good hair' because it is close to white in front of young impressionable children, who pick up on this and repeat it in scenarios in the one mentioned above; people who point blank refuse they are African in anyway shape or form etc.

So I was just wondering do your parents, carers, aunts, uncles,family friendsetc..have 'strange old-fashioned views?' Where you influenced by them?If you have re evaluated these views have you tried to educate them, what was the outcome?

My Mum said that my No 1 son's nose was too flat, and told me to pull it to straighten it. My nose is quite flat, his Dad is Black, so what did she expect?confused3

My Nan (RIP) told myMum I had a mango head, and would massage it into shape (1, it was inherited from her and 2, head still mango shaped).

With regard to the child in the opening post, remember that most people want to be what they're obviously not, i.e I have curly hair but wanted straight, am fair-skinned and would like to be darker etc etc. I remember, at that age, being jealous of my sister because my Mum used to press her hairbut not mine.

Lady Vee wrote: That part I can relate to thatalot, always told to sit in the sun " and mek the sun bun yu" I remember being so jealous of my brothers who were alot darker than me because I didn't feel like I belonged as was the only "high yella" one( I'm the only one who inherited from my father).

I have asked a few members of my family what they mean by 'good hair' and they all mumble before replying "well.. nearest to white hair" When I've replied "Who told you its good, it's sure as hell not good to me, I wouldn't be able to style it as well and I wouldn't want that "rain smell" (You know what I mean*woof*)" Then theyaccuse me of being a 'racist'.confused3

Spend some time in the American south and you will get so many of these type of slavery hold overs.

On my mothers side of the family which is huge most people are extremely light skinned to carmel colored. Onecousin in particular told every one of her sons from the time they were little boys not to marry a woman who was dark skinned. As a resultshe and her aunt were disowned by the family back in the 1970's. I found out by shear accident that they were cousins of mine in high school. The ironic part about it is that her 3 sons a not light skinned. They all marriedHIGH yellow women.

My 11 year old son is going through it really bad at school. Alot of black kids ask himdoes he have white in him because he is so light skinned. Or they say mean things to him like calling him white boy. There is nothing worse than picking your child up at school and he sees you and starts crying uncontrollably because of what some other kid has said to him about his heritage. I have to constantlybuild his self esteem back up because these kids are vicious.

ac9311 wrote: This is so sad. Children can be very cruel, especially when they see the effect this is having on him.

Try to tell him not to show how much it hurts him - they'll soon get bored.

You know the thing that actuallyhurt me was how astute he was. He asked me why are black people so mean to each other. He said white kids never say stuffanything to me about my color just black kids. I was actually at a loss for words. I truly didn't know what to say to him. All I could say is that daddyand mommy love you so that's all that matters.My wife and I try hard toteach our boys to be proud youngAfrican men but it'shard when there are so many lostAfrican American parents and kids. There's alot of self hate in our community.

@Advanced-Spark greetings sis and good subject.

This is about culture and cultural change. Are we like our parents, yes and no because a culture is always either developing or going backwards...

No I don't have all those slave traits about worshiping white skin because my folks did not have that or nice nose or bad nose rubbish, but I do have family who do..

There is a difference between superficial change and fundamental changes. My dad would not eat pizza and would view it like most white food as dog food and not proper.... Me I eat pizza. Not very healthy but modern life, pressure and all that a pizza now and again ain't killing you. My mother lived and will die in the kitchen she is like a magnet and will alway find herself in their even when it pisses my dad off.

I will not have any woman of mine tied to a kitchen, because if she is doing that she has little time for herself and equally me...

But these things aside the positive and fundamental things about my parents and culture are the same things I believe in. Good morals are timeless and the basis of civilised life. You don't sex anyone's daughter simply because you can. Good and respectable conduct is timeless. Good manner and attitudes are timeless. How to live good with decent people is as old as time.

So we seek to preserve the good and reject the bad...Yep my mother's people had a very strong believe in the spiritual and supernatural and so do I because it makes sense and can be proven.

Peace out..

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Hey, Fred B, glad your back, missed you and thanks for gracing the sub.

Using the example of the 4 year old, she is obviously under family influence and probably will until she realises, IF she realises. My question is, how do/did yo know when parental/ familial views are just not as right as first thought?

@Advanced Spark. It's called identity differentiation in the world of pyschology. At a certain age usually in our adolescents and can be much longer into the 30s I have found based on relationships with women, but people begin to develop their own identities. Not saying it is easy for particular groups of people such as the four year old or people in care often, but they do.

At that point some reflection takes place and what comes out of that is the adult personality. Not saying all legacies of negative parental influence disappears, but that person is more able to forge their own identity.

Peace.

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