hi ladies,

i have a burning question,

so here goes,I UNDERSTNAD THAT EVERY CHILD NEEDS A FATHER IN REGARDS TO HAVING THAT MALE INFLUENCE, ROLE MODEL FOR BOTH BOYS AND GIRLS. WHAT FRUSTRATES ME IS THAT ALTHOUGH STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT CHILDREN WITH ABSENT FATHERS ARE EMOTIONALLY EFFECTED ON VARYING LEVELS, WHY WHAT WE DO AS PRESENT MOTHERS IS NOT CONSIDERED.

I STUDIED AND GOT A DEGREE, A GOOD JOB, A NICE HOUSE, MY OWN CAR WITH A LIL CHANGE TO GO TOWARDS MY SONS AFTER SCHOOL AND WKEND ACTIVITES WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM HIS FATHER. INSTEAD OF HIGHLIGHTING AND PROMOTING THESE QUALITIES, THEY FOCUS ON THEIR ABSENCE.
THEY SAY THAT

WE ARE IN POVERTY,
OUR CHILDREN (SONS ESPECIALLY) WILL STRUGGLE SOCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY
INCREASED LIKLIHOOD OF PRISON/UNEMPLOYMENT
INCREASE IN YOUNG MOTHERS/FATHERS

ALL WE CAN DO IS OUR BEST BUT WHEN THE GOVERMENT TRY AND TELL ME I CANNOT DISCIPLINE MY CHILD WHEN HE'S RUDE, sm140:ITS ABUSE TO TAKE AWAY HIS PLAY STATION, SO THERE SAYING I MUST JUST SIT AND LET HIM BE RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL UNTIL HE'S OLD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO PUNISH HIM FOR IT. (PRISON) AND RUIN HIS WHOLE LIFE BCUZ ONCE AN INMATE THEY ARE UNEMPLOYABLE.

AND THIS IS WHY BLACK MALES IN PARTICULAR ARE OVER REPRESENTED AMOUNGST THE PRISON POPULATION, AND IT DOESNT HELP THAT THEY CONDEM OUR SONS BEFORE THEIR EVEN OF SCHOOL AGE GOOD.


WHAT ARE YOUR VIEWS, BE HONEST, I HAVE.

A mother can never properly bring up a son you might have a few successes here and there but a boy needs a father like figure to look up to not necessarily the father but maybe a Uncle or some other male relative ...

Graduate - the focus on absent fathers is for no other reason than the resulting drain on the benefit system...it's purely financial..everything else is circumstancial. Yes you done well, but at what cost to that system. Hopefully with your taxes they'll see you now as putting back in what you took out.

hi Graduate,

I know just what you mean. However, you can only control what you do as a mother. Relationships breakdown for many reasons. It may or may not be the babymothers fault that they are still together - however, if a man really wishes to care for his child then I dont believe that the most psychotic babymother will prevent him from doing so.

I have two sons and really do believe that sons do need their dad - big time. Its not so much about the money either - I work hard, and have my own home and car too. My sons dad doesnt pay child support....I have not asked and he has not offered. However, anything they need, all I have to do is keep him informed. He will come and get them, and purchase whatever they need. In the past, when I was jus starting out again after our split, he would bring food and other household items at my request too. The most valuable asset he is always willing to give is his time.

When we first split, it was very acrimonious. The relationship had been going sour for quite some time and was unhealthy for all involved. For my part I was very very hurt and found it very hard to be civil for quite a while. I wish I'd been more mature, but in hindsight, yanno....lol I apologised sincerely to him over a meal about a year ago, and vice versa, and since then, things have been so much easier. In fact now he is back to being a very important person in my life and I feel I am the same in his. They boys are much happier - their dad collects them all the time and does the fatherly things with them that they need. I do go to the park and attempt to play football, but its not the same as it is with dad, is it?

I guess the point of what Im trying to say is that they always need both their parents support, and none of the animosity.

Over the aforesaid meal, when my ex partner told me what is what like for him, and I REALLY listened.....I wouldnt want to go through that. Sure, I was angry, hurt and upset, but so was he.....and so were they. Dont get me wrong. There are some parents where it would be a cold day in hell before they cared about they babyfather or babymother, they pickney, they granny, or joe blogs down the road.......but, if they are not available, its good to have other role models within your family/friend circle.

When I read and reread the stuff I have written about him......he sounds great to me, but we were not and never have been good for each other as lovers,

I dont think single parents are bad parents at all.....and if you gotta do it on your own - and plenty do have to - then there are many who do a great job. I jus think that there are some who dont do such a great job....and they dont help our community.....not one bit.

I am sure it is very hard....being a parent is a thankless task. Children are selfish by definition. I am assuming your absent ex hasnt been in the picture at all. Its a diifficult situation....try not to be hurt that they are so angry and hurt that he isnt around....they have a right to be. All you are is all you can give and I do know plenty of black men who have grown up with an absentee parent and not gone to prison or been in trouble. They may have their issues but I think that in this day and age we all do.....I know for damn sure I got some.....lol.

From what you say you sound like a dedicated mother....so I wont tell you not to worry too much or any of that other rubbish.....just to try and let them spend as much time as you can with male family members who have their head screwed on.

..................