|
imported post -
04-12-03, 04:58 PM
I think this is very lyrical and like Passin thru says, it would sound good if it were performed. I particularly like the images "I only carry fruit on my head" "food for thought I bear". I wonder if you over use repetition, however:
"A dictator before the revolution
You stood alone, or didn’t stand.
Before the revolution in which you fell,
But I’m the fallen woman
Who must bow my head in shame
Bow my head in shame
Utter the Divine name and beg for forgiveness"
I am not sure that you need to repeat "bowing my head in shame" or "revolution". In addition, often themes of "revolution" are over-used in this form of poetry, if you want to use this idea, make sure that it serves a purpose in the poem.
I enjoyed reading this though, and I would like to see more.blkthumbsup
You can\'t see in the dark if your eyes are closed.
|