[size=2][align=center]THE APOLOGY
Copyright Karl J Christopher December 2004[/align]

I have heard people say that to ‘apologise’ - to say ‘I am sorry’ - can be the hardest thing of all, and at this minute I know exactly what they mean. You see, the pain that grips my heart right now is like nothing I have felt before and makes it hard for me to say much of anything.
But you know, it is not the actual word ‘sorry’ that is the problem, for I would say that a thousand times if I thought it would wipe out the hurt and suffering I caused you through my selfish and thoughtless actions.

No, saying sorry is not hard.

What is hard is bearing the ‘pain of realisation’ which comes with an apology that is truly sincere. For me that ‘realisation’ has opened my eyes to the fact that I was oh, so wrong, and that no apology could ever come close to conveying the burden of shame and regret that lies with me right now.

What is hard is accepting that I am not the Man I led myself, and you, to believe I was. That man would not have done such a thing so unworthy of a Real Man.
What is hard is accepting that I have much work to do, to rebuild the character of one who showed little character when he did what he did to you.

What is hard is accepting the fact that I can never undo YOUR pain.

When I say to you “I am so very, very sorry my darling�, I speak as a man exposing his soul so that you may look deep into it and see that my words are sincere.

Some may accuse me of saying these things in the hope of ‘absolution’; hoping for your forgiveness to release me from my guilt. Others may accuse me of self-indulgence, self-pity, being more concerned with MY feelings rather YOURS.
I cannot answer these accusations nor indeed do I intend to try, because what others think is not important right now.

What is important - is not my absolution or your forgiveness (though yes I would dearly love your forgiveness) - but for you to understand that MY failings were not a reflection on you or on anything YOU did wrong. I do not want you to reproach or condemn yourself with thoughts of what you could or should have done to prevent all of this from happening.

MY actions were about me, not you!

MY actions were MY RESPONSIBILITY not yours!

It was not YOU who needed to have been different – it was ME!

I should have been more worthy of the love, loyalty and affection you gave to me so willingly. I take full responsibility for MY actions and make no excuses. I did wrong and no amount of clever words to ‘dress it up’ can change that. You were a victim of my failings as a man, not the cause.

Yes, my absolution or your forgiveness are secondary right now because there are much more important things to be done. There is rebuilding to be done – the task of you rebuilding you, and of me rebuilding me.

I just hope and pray that not so much damage has been done to you that it means it will be impossible for you to regain your faith and trust in men again.
I hope you do not allow this experience to change your essential nature of the wonderful caring, giving person you are.
I hope you can put bad experiences such as this down to the man in question and not down to mankind in general. There are many, many Real Men out there who would not do as I did, and who are worthy of a fine woman like you.

As for myself I know what I must work on. I also know that I will be a better man coming out of this suffering. The memory of the pain, and the fact that I have lost you (I accept that as just punishment) will be my motivation to become the man I know I can be and intend to be. Though that man may not be in your future, know that his drive for improvement is in part due to you.

Whatever the future holds for me I cannot imagine anything more devastating than having to live with the knowledge that I hurt and lost from my life (possibly forever) a very special and wonderful human being.
I can never say it enough....[b]“MY DARLING I AM SORRY!"
xxxx

@ Anyone looking in
Just to avoid any confusion, please note that this post is not linked to a thread on the open forum entitled "My Apologies". After posting this and my other piece entitled "The Apology - The Response". It occurred to me that some confusing may be caused with all these apologies flying around....LOL.