[align=center]THE APOLOGY
Copyright Karl J Christopher December 2004[/align]
I have heard people say that to ‘apologise’ - to say ‘I am sorry’ - can be the hardest thing of all, and at this minute I know exactly what they mean. You see, the pain that grips my heart right now is like nothing I have felt before and makes it hard for me to say much of anything.
But you know, it is not the actual word ‘sorry’ that is the problem, for I would say that a thousand times if I thought it would wipe out the hurt and suffering I caused you through my selfish and thoughtless actions.

No, saying sorry is not hard.

What is hard is bearing the ‘pain of realisation’ which comes with an apology that is truly sincere. For me that ‘realisation’ has opened my eyes to the fact that I was oh, so wrong, and that no apology could ever come close to conveying the burden of shame and regret that lies with me right now.

What is hard is accepting that I am not the Man I led myself, and you, to believe I was. That man would not have done such a thing so unworthy of a Real Man.
What is hard is accepting that I have much work to do, to rebuild the character of one who showed little character when he did what he did to you.

What is hard is accepting the fact that I can never undo YOUR pain.

When I say to you “I am so very, very sorry my darling�, I speak as a man exposing his soul so that you may look deep into it and see that my words are sincere.

Some may accuse me of saying these things in the hope of ‘absolution’; hoping for your forgiveness to release me from my guilt. Others may accuse me of self-indulgence, self-pity, being more concerned with MY feelings rather YOURS.
I cannot answer these accusations nor indeed do I intend to try, because what others think is not important right now.

What is important - is not my absolution or your forgiveness (though yes I would dearly love your forgiveness) - but for you to understand that MY failings were not a reflection on you or on anything YOU did wrong. I do not want you to reproach or condemn yourself with thoughts of what you could or should have done to prevent all of this from happening.

MY actions were about me, not you!

MY actions were MY RESPONSIBILITY not yours!

It was not YOU who needed to have been different – it was ME!

I should have been more worthy of the love, loyalty and affection you gave to me so willingly. I take full responsibility for MY actions and make no excuses. I did wrong and no amount of clever words to ‘dress it up’ can change that. You were a victim of my failings as a man, not the cause.

Yes, my absolution or your forgiveness are secondary right now because there are much more important things to be done. There is rebuilding to be done – the task of you rebuilding you, and of me rebuilding me.

I just hope and pray that not so much damage has been done to you that it means it will be impossible for you to regain your faith and trust in men again.
I hope you do not allow this experience to change your essential nature of the wonderful caring, giving person you are.
I hope you can put bad experiences such as this down to the man in question and not down to mankind in general. There are many, many Real Men out there who would not do as I did, and who are worthy of a fine woman like you.

As for myself I know what I must work on. I also know that I will be a better man coming out of this suffering. The memory of the pain, and the fact that I have lost you (I accept that as just punishment) will be my motivation to become the man I know I can be and intend to be. Though that man may not be in your future, know that his drive for improvement is in part due to you.

Whatever the future holds for me I cannot imagine anything more devastating than having to live with the knowledge that I hurt and lost from my life (possibly forever) a very special and wonderful human being.
I can never say it enough....“MY DARLING I AM SORRY!"
xxxx




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[align=center][size=2]THE APOLOGY – RESPONSE
Copyright Karl J Christopher December 2004[/align]

As I read your letter of apology I realised something that I had not given any thought to before, because I was so wrapped up in my pain. That is the fact that in situations like this it is not simply a case of ‘the guilty one’ and ‘the innocent one’ but about ‘the ones who lose’.
I can appreciate that we both lost something from this situation and that in a way we are both victims. True YOUR actions may have been the cause but I cannot be so blind and so bitter not to see that you too are suffering.

When all of this first happen the pain that hit me was of such intensity it is a feeling I don’t think I could ever convey to you. I cannot find words to describe it. Also the anger and bitterness that arose in the midst of that pain was such that I thought I was going to lose my mind. Thankfully I didn’t and thankfully I did not do any of those things which my crazed state had me on the verge of doing. You don’t know how glad I am that I did not go there, because the destruction to my own character and integrity would have been just another burden on top of the hurt and pain. That pain was like looking into an abyss and seemed like this was all there was ever going to be from here on in. Apart from anything else, it was scary to feel that I was doomed to languish forever in a cocoon of intense pain and suffering. I know this is only a euphemism, but I can say that ‘You broke my heart’.

I believe your apology was sincere and I have no doubt that hearing me speak of my pain in this way is also painful for you to hear. But I do not say these things in an attempt to pass my pain on to you or to make you feel deeply guilty, though you don’t know how badly I wanted to do those things at one time. No, I am telling you these things because, as part of the ‘rebuilding of me’ you spoke of, there are things I need to say.

You were the one, that SPECIAL ONE who was a part of the dreams for the life I saw to come, and if I cannot relate to you one of the most devastating events in my life to date, who can I relate it to? It is not simply a case of saying “There you see what you did to me� – I would hope that I am above such adolescent ranting – but an attempt to give you some understanding of the power you (all of us in fact) have to affect a person whose love we are given. It is a tremendous responsibility and not one many of us fully appreciate.
Even for me it has been a revelation as to how much ‘love given to another’ puts on them a heavy burden of responsibility for YOUR feelings. Unfortunately, we get so wrapped up in the ‘feelings of love’ that we do not give enough consideration to our readiness and ability to handle that responsibility.

Also, again unfortunately, we, in giving our love, put too much of a burden of expectation on the other person to manage OUR feelings. It is a double edged sword. What I am saying is not to excuse or lessen your actions, but to help me put in perspective what they mean.

One of the things I have come to accept about what you did (though I did not feel this way at first) is that it was not about you not loving me. I believe you loved me then and still love me now.

It was, in part, about you not fully understanding the responsibilities that came with the love we bestowed on each other.

It was, in part, about you not being yet developed (and I don’t mean that in a malicious way) to manage those responsibilities.

It was, in part, about ME being unrealistic in my expectations of you in terms of unfairly putting FULL responsibility for my happiness on you.

It was, in part about both ME and YOU not properly understanding the expectations from each to the other, or of taking time to assess each others readiness to take on the responsibility of those expectations.

You say I have nothing to reproach myself for. I believe that is true, but it does not mean I shouldn’t look at myself critically and try to understand what things about me need to be worked on. I may not have done anything ‘wrong’ but there are many more things that I can do ‘right’ to be better equipped in the ‘relationship game’.

I believe I do need to be different, but that does not mean changing my essential nature. I can only be me after all, and I have no wish to change my ability to feel the caring, the desire to give and share with another, that I felt with you. But I can be different in my outlook and attitude so that I am more complete in who I am.

You say you do not ask for forgiveness, and I understand where you are coming from with that. However, I would say that in your rebuilding YOU must first be able to forgive yourself. At this time I cannot think of forgiving you as such because there is much more to that than simply saying it. Still I do not feel resentment or bitterness toward you. That is important for ME.

I would be lying if I said I no longer loved you. Indeed, I have no problem with admitting I still do, but what will become of that love or us, as far as being in each others life is concerned, is hard to say at this time.
However, if it is to be that we are to have a life together it will be between two people who better understand what a life TOGETHER means and who are better able to manage such a life for our mutual happiness and contentment.

I think (and hope) that we have both learned something useful out of our grief and even though my heart still pains there is a part of me which says that what ever comes will be for the best.
I am hurt, but not irrevocably damaged and I say with the utmost sincerity [size=3][b]“I THANK YOU FOR YOUR APOLOGY, AND I ACCEPT IT!.
xxxx

@ Parris

Thank for that sir!
I noticed that you have a thread on the open forum entitled "My Apologies". It occured to me that some may think that this thread is a response to yours, when in fact it is a response to another thread I started on the Poetry forum entitled "The Apology".
I hope anyone looking in will now realise that your thread and this one are not linked otherwise it may be a bit confusing......lol

Anyway, I thank you again.

niceone.gif

[size=2]@ candibsleeping

It pleases me greatly to know that you found something of personal value in those words and I thank you for saying so. Though it is sad that it was through the pain caused by your own unfortunate experience that you were able to identify with my words, I hope that you find closure and are able to move on, a better and more complete person and the end of it.
Best of wishes to to you.

Real Talent!!! banana.gifclp)

Please allow me to say that I am envious that I did'nt write that myself.clp)

Thank you for your kind comments. I thought I would amend the original post to have both the Apology and The Reponse in the same thread. Previously I had them in different threads.

Hello stranger, nice to know ur still alive

I see u don't respond to my email?