How do you know when you're in 'love'? - Page 2

Gmahogany · (#26 (**permalink**))

Thoth B3 wrote:

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Gmahogany wrote:

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Good point on the infatuation thing, Thoth and Eskay. The infatuation thing is almost like a fog. You come out of it after REALLY getting to know the person, not your idea of them, and not" their representative", as Chris Rock says, and you may be like "what the hell was I thinking, how did I ever find this person attractive?",lol. I think that the love part is more enduring. Even after you see the real person, and the worst of the person, you STILL can't shake the feeling. I'd say that's true love, or something close to it.

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I can follow that, but another question arises in my mind. How then do you know it is true love and not just that you have "gotten used to" or "become accustomed to" the person in your life where you feel you need them really only because your interaction with them has become habitual?

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I can't speak for others, but I have never been/could never be with someone just because I'm accustomed to them, or because of habit. I have no problem being alone,there is a big part of me that actually prefers it. When I find myself wanting to share my space/time with someone in spite of my natural inclination towards solitude, IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE!!!!LOL.

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Your question is a valid one though, for most people.

Maat · (#27 (**permalink**))

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How then do you know it is true love and not just that you have "gotten used to" or "become accustomed to" the person in your life where you feel you need them really only because your interaction with them has become habitual?

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The longer the relationship lasts the more accustomed you get to the person anyway and that's where I suppose you can take each other for granted even without realizing it.... Defining it so much is a big obstacle I think. The real tests arewhether youcome out of the storms together or apart.....Gosh if so many have neverfeltclose enough to someone to considerate it love then what do you all do in your relationships?? Is everything parttime??Does that mean that you all start off on guard and never let anyone in?...man I feel old

Gmahogany · (#28 (**permalink**))

Maat wrote:

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How then do you know it is true love and not just that you have "gotten used to" or "become accustomed to" the person in your life where you feel you need them really only because your interaction with them has become habitual?

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The longer the relationship lasts the more accustomed you get to the person anyway and that's where I suppose you can take each other for granted even without realizing it.... Defining it so much is a big obstacle I think. The real tests arewhether youcome out of the storms together or apart.....Gosh if so many have neverfeltclose enough to someone to considerate it love then what do you all do in your relationships?? Is everything parttime??Does that mean that you all start off on guard and never let anyone in?...man I feel old

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You're right, Maat. I think most people think of love as just this "feeling", rather than a proactive act, day in and day out(the reason some will claim to love someone,but constantly engage in actions that contradict that). With true love, I think you have to make a conscious decision, at some point to "do love". In other words, behave in a loving way through your actions,even when it involves denying yourself something, kind of like a mother's love, or a father's love in some instances.

eskay · (#29 (**permalink**))

GMahogany .. yes.. not even 'do love' ..but 'BE love' . Be everything you want done to you. Be kind, loving, funny, supportive, adventurous. Whatever. Just a matter of a conscious choice you make with that special somebody!

Lord! that has me feeling real nostaligic now!! .. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and I find few and fewer people know how to 'be' like that.

Gmahogany · (#30 (**permalink**))

eskay wrote:

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GMahogany .. yes.. not even 'do love' ..but 'BE love' . Be everything you want done to you. Be kind, loving, funny, supportive, adventurous. Whatever. Just a matter of a conscious choice you make with that special somebody!

Lord! that has me feeling real nostaligic now!! .. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and I find few and fewer people know how to 'be' like that.

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Alright now, Eskay, getting all deep over there

....."Be Love" that's even better.

eskay · (#31 (**permalink**))

LOL!! Don't get me started! @ GM..

I think Kunjufu had a real point about people not realising what they had until they lose it. I know someone that is currently going througha divorce (been married 3 years). He still won't get into exact details of what 'he' did. But whatever it was got him a criminal record (some type of harrassment charge), woman left him and lives in another country now. I think they have been seperated about 6-9 months and he's sorting out the whole 'take her name off bills, joint account, house deed etc. Anyway, intially he tried to palm off it off as not a big deal to me. Once he opened up tho... man is depressed, and I mean clinically, hardly eats, won't go out, won't meet anyone apart from his family and few friends. Torments himself daily with love songs of the most horrible kind, writes her daily emails or letters..so much so, she thinks he's too intense, unstable etc. He is in serious type 3 (Romeo/Juliet love). This man is good looking, works hard, sensible etc.. but more I talk to him, more I think, she just might have made the right decision, in that ..his 'type of love' is obsessive, complusive and simply.. suffocating.. but try telling that to a man thinks life doesn't mean anything without 'her'.

He is absolutely convinced she is the one, and cannot see beyond this 'sufferation' as he calls it. Says he would do anything to have her back etc.

Me.. I think he is in love with the idea of love, as he talks about needing to be with his 'soulmate' etc, but I doubt he has a clue how to go about loving anyone but himself in the 'unconditional' sense. He is very self-absorbed, and very controlling, and very moody. All three, would put me right off as a woman!!! I am hoping therapist he is seeing will get his head straight not only for himself but for next woman!!

Gmahogany · (#32 (**permalink**))

eskay wrote:

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LOL!! Don't get me started! @ GM..

I think Kunjufu had a real point about people not realising what they had until they lose it. I know someone that is currently going througha divorce (been married 3 years). He still won't get into exact details of what 'he' did. But whatever it was got him a criminal record (some type of harrassment charge), woman left him and lives in another country now. I think they have been seperated about 6-9 months and he's sorting out the whole 'take her name off bills, joint account, house deed etc. Anyway, intially he tried to palm off it off as not a big deal to me. Once he opened up tho... man is depressed, and I mean clinically, hardly eats, won't go out, won't meet anyone apart from his family and few friends. Torments himself daily with love songs of the most horrible kind, writes her daily emails or letters..so much so, she thinks he's too intense, unstable etc. He is in serious type 3 (Romeo/Juliet love). This man is good looking, works hard, sensible etc.. but more I talk to him, more I think, she just might have made the right decision, in that ..his 'type of love' is obsessive, complusive and simply.. suffocating.. but try telling that to a man thinks life doesn't mean anything without 'her'.

He is absolutely convinced she is the one, and cannot see beyond this 'sufferation' as he calls it. Says he would do anything to have her back etc.

Me.. I think he is in love with the idea of love, as he talks about needing to be with his 'soulmate' etc, but I doubt he has a clue how to go about loving anyone but himself in the 'unconditional' sense. He is very self-absorbed, and very controlling, and very moody. All three, would put me right off as a woman!!! I am hoping therapist he is seeing will get his head straight not only for himself but for next woman!!

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Sounds like that woman got out of that situation, not a moment too soon,lol. I dont want ANYBODY loving me so much that they don't wanna live without me(not in the nice I want u in my life way, but in the stalker/if i cant have u,no one will, way). If they decide to stop living,because of the breakup, that means I gotta go too,lol.

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Ur on the money about some people being more in love with the idea of a thing, than the actual thing in real life. Its not even about the other person. If u check the history of someone like that, ALL their relationships have an obsessive quality, that's just what they do. Plus, I think men generally speaking, tend to be a little more disconnected from their feelings, which is why they often don't know it was love, til after the woman has had it up to the eyeballs with them, and doesn't even want to talk about things..I hate to quote R Kelly, but it's like his song 'when a woman's fed up'.

Michelle33 · (#33 (**permalink**))

Kunjufu wrote:

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liberiangirl wrote:

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Personally i think thereare three kinds of people:

1) people who arent capable of falling in love.People whosehearts are so closed that love is nearly impossible.

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Aka: The emotionally damaged or people who have not developed sufficiently to handle relationships, ie people who have either been sexually, emotionally or physically abused.

2) people who can fall in love with someone to a certain extent but not completely and fully. I think that most people fit into this category. They love theperson they are with, but dont attach themselves competely for fear of getting hurt.

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Aka:The grass isgreenerindividuals who are scared of committment, always looking for next big thing.

3) people who fall in head-overheels i'll die for you, i"ll kill myself" type of love

These people who become so emotionally attached to their signifigant other that it creates the "romeo and juliet" syndrom. This is the type of love we often see displayed in movies and what people seem to believe is true love.

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AkA:Personality disorder, obessesional behaviours bordering on mental disorder.

I'm not an expert on this but I think that people can reject love because of ignorance - a fear of the unknown and not having the strength or mental capacity to seek to understand and CONTROL their emotions.

There is also the fear of rejection - it's easier to put up a barrier than face up to the challenge of love. Love is supposed to be an enjoyable journey on a path to fulfillment - it doesn't make all of life's challenges or struggles disappear but being in a loving partnership brings other rewards that make life worth living.
I also wonder if love is approached differently among different cultures because people are influenced by what they see around them. For instance, you don't see too much love on the streets of London! Here it's like the L-word is something to be ashamed of. How did it get to this? I question people's morals and it all comes back to ignorance. I think that if people are taught the basics of what helps in a relationship, for instance, communication, listening and respect, then they will have a better chance of developing their love further and avoid the pitfalls.

I think love can come before lust. Lust is a sexual emotion so if you cannot identify any other emotion other than the sexual then how can it be love?

It's funny, I find it hard to talk about love and not come across as sappy or making myself cringe with what I'm writing.. I think this is because of the culture in the UK that I am a product of.

So when do you know when you're in love?

I think love can come when you can see deeper inside the person, past their flesh (and annoying habits!) and connect (honestly) with the spirit of that person, understanding that this person will always be a separate being and needs that respect. I think people can instinctively know when they are in love when they have enough common interests. Working towards those common interests would naturally make the bond stronger as long as both people keep their focus.

I also agree with gmahogany:

"I can't speak for others, but I have never been/could never be with someone just because I'm accustomed to them, or because of habit. I have no problem being alone,there is a big part of me that actually prefers it. When I find myself wanting to share my space/time with someone in spite of my natural inclination towards solitude, IT'S GOT TO BE LOVE!!!!LOL."

what are the signs/feeling/behaviours?

Good communication! A mind and body connection, knowing you are a match because the more you agree the stronger the feeling IMO.

is it possible to be 'in love' with more than one person?

I think it is possible to be in love with more than one person. I don't think it is possible to be in love with more than one person if the person you are with wants a monagomous relationship because you wouldn't want to betray the person you love.

Can you love someone and only one person for the rest of you're life?

Definitely yes to this if you are fortunate enough to be with one person for the rest of your life!

saywone1 · (#34 (**permalink**))

**ive noticed kunjufu is the only one contributing to this post**

I think the majority of you (eskay, nellia, incognito, tehuti) made very valid points. and to me it seems that being being in love is conditional to that individual person. Everybody has their own perceptions on what it is, and howthey know etc. I think kunjufus' point that you really only know after is very interesting but I think being in love is also andinstinctive emotion. I think when you fall in loveyou connect with them on aspiritual level, as well as them understanding,accepting and appreciatingyou.

There will always be someone else you see that your infatuated with. Ive heard a story from one woman thatshe have come to knowa guywho is much better than her current boyfriend butwhen i quizzed her on how he is better she couldnt say how.Something like this i think is just infatuation because idont thinkthat he is 'better' i think it's just that he is different.

Peacemaker · (#35 (**permalink**))

How do you know when you're in 'love'?

When your attention is constantly on one thing whether it'son aperson, object or a goal. Can be dangerous if not controlled.