When do you have sex in a relationship??

tinnkerbell · (#1 (**permalink**))

Background Info- Been with my man4 months, knownhimapprox3 yrs before we started dating. I take sex seriously so i'm unsure whether or not I should go there.

I'm 22 and he's 24.Hesaidhe loves me-and wants heto make loveto me.

When I was 16I had my first experience withsex, itwas a nightmareand I havn't slept with anyone since.(But i think i might b ready now)

I'mscared,and I feel stupidfor feeln this waybecausemy man is agood person. I care about him but I'mnotin love with him.However my man has not done anything wrong & he deserves my trust so i feel gulityas ifi'm depriving him of something really important& a "normal" relationship.

Ithought I was going to wait till I fell in love before I had sex again,(but im not so sure now)- Do people still do that anyway??

We have tried talking about this but it upsets me.Our relationship issogoodin every other aspect but hestraight up told me that he doesn't know if hecan copewith datingme without us having sex.

He's not pressuring me,but I can see he's getting more & more frustrated.This is his longest relationship without sex.

What do i do??confused3

Tammyboo · (#2 (**permalink**))

If you do decide to have sex with him it won't look bad on you cause you know him for a while. However, since you aren't in love with him I think you should wait and see if you would fall in love with him. If he loves you he would wait. Time tells alot. If you give things time you might not regret your decision. It is a good thing that he is not forcing you. I wish I could find someone like that. Good luck!

blacguy75 · (#3 (**permalink**))

Waiting is definitely a good idea. Cause what if once you have sex with this guy things change...then u will have another bad experience with sex to worry about. If he loves you he can wait.

tinnkerbell · (#4 (**permalink**))

@tamyboo & blacguy75

thank you!your advise was much appreciated.

sometimes a girl just needs someobjective advise to keep her on track!

k x

faery1 · (#5 (**permalink**))

tinnkerbell wrote:

Quote:

Background Info- Been with my man4 months, knownhimapprox3 yrs before we started dating. I take sex seriously so i'm unsure whether or not I should go there.

I'm 22 and he's 24.Hesaid he loves me-and wants heto make loveto me.

Quote:

Sex is something you do because it comes naturally and you TRUST the other person. If you are questioning that, then you are NOT ready. It doesnt matter how great your man is, trusting him starts with YOU.. not him. There is nothing he can do to force this trust, it is something that occurs naturally inside you both when the time is right.

[line]

When I was 16I had my first experience withsex, itwas a nightmareand I havn't slept with anyone since.(But i think i might b ready now)

Quote:

Dont make excuses for having the feelings you have. Its ok to have bad experiences, we all have them and deal with them in our own unique ways. Its ok to NOT want to have sex, whether you had a bad experience or not. Follow your intuition. I wouldnt be surprised if your man used this against you to make you feel like you are holding your past against him. Dont believe it. Think about YOU and YOUR NEEDS, not his. Theres always time for sex and if he respects your feelingsthan he can wait.. in fact he will be glad to wait.

[line]
I'mscared,and I feel stupidfor feeln this waybecausemy man is agood person. I care about him but I'mnotin love with him.However my man has not done anything wrong & he deserves my trust so i feel gulityas ifi'm depriving him of something really important& a "normal" relationship.

I dont know what he has said to you, but dont let him manupulate you. All men are the "best man" and the "good guy" at least they think so and they arent shy about tellinganyone this.

Just because he is a good person doesnt mean you should have sex with him or that you should feel stupid. Follow your "feelings" dear. Its hard to do that sometimes when you got so many people around you telling you how you should feel, but stop for a moment, take some time ALONE and think about it on your OWN terms.

I have highlighted what you have written and its pretty obvious that he is manipulating you. You should never feel scared, stupid, or guilty for choosing not to have sex. You are not depriving him of anything. If sex is his bottom line, then you should find a man who is interested in you for more than this.Your man should respect you, your needs, and your limitations. That is love.

[line]
Ithought I was going to wait till I fell in love before I had sex again,(but im not so sure now)- Do people still do that anyway??

Quote:

Yes they do and their is NOTHING wrong with going that route. Its safer for you physically and emotionally anyways. Do what feels right to you and dont let anyone pressure you or emotionally black mail you into doing something you might regret.

[line]
"We have tried talking about this but it upsets me.Our relationship issogoodin every other aspect but hestraight up told me that he doesn't know if hecan copewith datingme without us having sex. "

Quote:

Sweetheart, I hate to have to say this, but if he even alludes to the idea of breaking up with you because you are not ready to have sex with him, than he does NOT love you. Period. Love is not about sex. He is only thinking about fullfilling himself. Any man who knows how to pleasure a woman knows that she must be in a good state of mind in order to enjoy it. If he still wants to sex you knowing that you dont feel comfortable, he is being SELFISH.

[line]
"He's not pressuring me,but I can see he's getting more & more frustrated.This is his longest relationship without sex. "

Quote:

Dont make excuses for him. The very fact that you came on this forum and asked about this says to me that you feel pressured.. it doesnt matter where the pressure is coming from.If it doenst feel natural toyou, then dontdo it.

Quote:

Sex is only enjoyable when you are relaxed and your mind is free anyways, so no point inrushing. You dont have to sacrifice your comfort level to satisfyhis needs. Think about YOU. When you have sex you should want to have it.. not to say you wont feel nervous, but youdont have to think about it this much..

[line]
I say PLEASE PLEASElook at thewords you said.. and think about it.. I highlighted it for you:

i'm unsure
Hesaid he loves me
I'mscared,and I feel stupid
I'mnotin love with him

i feel gulity
i'm depriving him of something really important& a "normal" relationship
it upsets me.
he doesn't know if hecan copewith datingme without us having sex

he's getting more & more frustrated.

This is his longest relationship without sex.

[line]
My remainingthoughts:

You feel guilty because he is pressuring you into doing something you dont seem to be ready for.No one deserves your trust but you.When they get it, they should begreatful, but they shouldn't demand it or imply that they deserveit. When they do its called emotional manipulation or mind games. I know its hard. I have been there. It takes more strenghth to hold on to your beliefs and follow your desires rather than falling into the submission of other people's desires.

Follow you intuition and dont confuse what he wants with what you want. He should respect you. Respect is earned dear. Dont becomeanother notch in his belt. If thats all he wants, than hes not worth it anyways.

caateat.thekittenpussjumpwall · (#6 (**permalink**))

When we are both comfortable with eachother.

tinnkerbell · (#7 (**permalink**))

@faery1 (& all who replied previously & after)

WOW!!clp)clp)clp)clp)clp)clp)

That was deep! (What do u for a living faery1??blkscholar)

Ididnt realise that i had such negative emotions about having sex. When Ireadall the emotions listed together itclearly answersmy question.I know deep down that i am not ready to take it futher with my man so i hope that he loves me4real and can accept my decision.

He's cooking me dinner tonight . B4 i go im gonna read all the advise you guys have given me so i can get my thoughts in orderto explain to him clearly how im feeling.

I appreciate all the advise i've been given, so much. My bestfriend died 2 yrs ago just b4 her 20th b-day and i found that i cant tell my other friends anything! (they all chat 2 much!)Its nice to get advise on a personal matter like this knowing that there will be no gossip backlash.

THANK YOU!! i feel so much better now!

k x

Ann-marie · (#8 (**permalink**))

@faery1

I was thinking that your advice is outstanding and have you ever thought about becoming an agony uncle?

I think that you have to wait until your ready and not give into pressure because you will always have regrets. I waited about 2 months, but i dont believe in putting a time limit on it, just when your ready.....

faery1 · (#9 (**permalink**))

@tinnkerbell and ann-marie

Thanks! Glad to be of help

fazuan · (#10 (**permalink**))

@faery

classic piece...thanks a lot

@tinnkerbell

when it comes to sex, sometimes it's okay to be selfish

mizz2in1 · (#11 (**permalink**))

its been a few months since u posted dis topic so have u dun it? what happened with u and this guy?

jermainexrjx · (#12 (**permalink**))

gyal my longest relationship without sex.. is the one im in now.. a year.. n we're still gwanin strong i love her and she loves me ... banana.gif

we've had lonnnnnnnng deep chats about the way we feel

i know shes the gyal for me...and shes had some badddddd experiences and she wants to wait...

to be honest we have so much fun together it kinda fades it out... a mature relationship doesnt have to be ALL about sex.. because ppl rush into things.. thats why divorce rate is so high.. because ppl get all they want b4 their married and they second they are there like ARR **** THIS ....

i think ur doing the right thing... but u need to chat on a deep level

and if he isnt willin to wait until u feel right.. then he aint the one for u

just because ur 22... doesnt mean u shud be on all fours ready to take it..

respect yourself.... keep it up