It is with regret that I announce the end of my marriage - Page 2

Kunjufu · (#26 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

When we bought this house I remortgaged my other house and put a deposit of £50,000 into it. He put......nothing. He did, however, encourage me to keep the other house, which I did. I had this house valued last week, and I'll just about get my £50k back. I don't want to sell as I don't want to cause any more upheaval to the boys. My Mum says the Court will award the house to me as I have the boys. Is this true? And, does he have a claim on the other house even though it's in my name only?

Vezz: Sorry to be the bearers of bad news but your mother dead wrong.... I'm off to the gym now but when I come back I will expand..later

Le Moor · (#27 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

Le Moor,

There is no way I can wait to retirement to divorce him. I'm 44 this year, and I'm looking to retire at 60. The thought of another year of this leaves me cold.

When I met him he said he was in the process of buying it. However, he used to stay at his Mum's. The Council had to do something to the boiler, but because he wasn't there they broke in and charged him £1,000 for this. Apparently he was overpaying the rent but they wouldn't use that. So, I said if you can't pay it in full pay it off month by month. You can guess what happened - nothing. He can't buy the property because of this debt, and has sub-let it. The Council found out just before Christmas, and wrote to me asking what the deal was. I had already made my mind up to separate, so told them this. He doesn't sleep here, so I'm assuming he sleeps there. Either way, I'm not bothered.

For months now he's complained about the brakes on the van, saying they're not working properly. I just knew he was expecting me to say I'll fix it, but why should I when I don't drive the thing? The direct debit for the van and insurance comes out of my account, and I paid £300 to fix the clutch, so I'll be damned if I do that again. He babysat on Friday, and was here Saturday morning. He was leaving to go somewhere when the Baby started crying. So, he said he could go with him! I asked him how can he take my child out in a van that has no brakes? How irresponsible is that? He took him same way, and I was left praying my son came back.

Another thing is I don't like how he handles my other son. He's not a bad boy, but he had issues when we met. However, he has grown up now. My husband doesn't have a relationship with him. They just say hello and goodbye. My husband only talks to him when it is to criticise him. It got to a stage I told him not to talk to my son as I could see the effect it was having on him. However, in his defence I understand how he became that way as he was bought up similarly. That doesn't mean I can excuse it though. Luckily, my son has strong male role models in my brothers, and I'm good too!

It may sound odd, but it doesn't bother me that he doesn't sleep here. He probably does have someone else and I'm glad. I just want to get on with separating and divorce. He says I see the house as "my house" which is true, seeing as I decorated it myself (he painted the hallway, I did the front room, dining room & kitchen. Guess who bought the paint and carpet?), pay the bills etc etc.

When we bought this house I remortgaged my other house and put a deposit of £50,000 into it. He put......nothing. He did, however, encourage me to keep the other house, which I did. I had this house valued last week, and I'll just about get my £50k back. I don't want to sell as I don't want to cause any more upheaval to the boys. My Mum says the Court will award the house to me as I have the boys. Is this true? And, does he have a claim on the other house even though it's in my name only?

Vezz im not an expert on divorce and im speculating here, but i think that in marriage the asset base starts off as equal, then the lawyers make their claim for their client's percentage of the assets. Thats if the split isnt amicable which is the probably the easiest and cheapest way of divorcing.

In my Moms case she didnt have to pay my Pops hardly anything but kept the house, as she argued all the money he hadnt contributed should be deducted. In his case that was 45 yrs worth of bills...lol

Vezz. · (#28 (**permalink**))

Thank you all for your replies.....much, much appreciated.

To clarify, he DOES work. He's an electrician and plumber. He works for an electrical company on building sites, and I know how much he earns as the company sends me his CIS certificate. To me, that is worse than he NOT working!

When I've asked for more money (incidentally, why SHOULD I have to ask?? I felt like I was begging. My Dad used to leave the money on my Mum's dressing table every week without fail), he says he has to have money to go to work/pay his mobile etc etc. Surely his priority should be the house and kids? It sure is for me.

Now, I'm wondering if this is my fault. I know some hard-back women who would NEVER put up with it, especially for this long. Someone suggested that I was too easy with him, and even though he didn't give me the money bills still got paid etc. It's not that I didn't tell him how I felt. He just kept saying he's bruk. For that I feel responsible. Every time I've broached the subject of divorce I felt like it's my fault. I can't do it any more. I just don't love him any more. I tried for the kids, but the thought of 20 more years of this makes me want to kill myself.

I feel embarrassed that my marriage has ended. My family never liked him (not that that bothered me) but that's another story. I feel like such a failure for choosing the wrong man. My friend said "whatever has been done can be undone" and that's my mantra at the moment.

safetyblitz · (#29 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

Thank you for your kind replies.

I must say straight off that I don't hate my ex. I married him because I loved him. I will never stop him seeing the kids regardless of him paying anything towards their upkeep or not. I'm not about that.

The first thing I have a problem with him is about priorities. He gives me money for half the mortgage and the van (when he can). I find the money for the rest of the mortgage/food/utilities/presents/clothes/holidays etc. Classic example:

Hubby worked for 7 days a week for 3 months. Never gave me a penny extra. Went to Jamaica for 4 weeks pleading poverty. When I collected him from the airport I noticed 2 bottles of rum. After 2 days at home I asked if he got anything for the boys. He said his Mum had given him 1,000 Jamaican dollars (he travelled with her), and t-shirts for the boys were too expensive!

There is no emotional attachment here for me. He told me in December that he wouldn't leave me "because I'm too old to start again". I told him there seems to be no mention of love. He said actions speak louder, but I still can't see it!

When we went to Fuerteventura, I paid.
When we went to Chicago, I paid
When we went to Eurodisney, I paid
When we went to Butlins, I paid

He refuses to get a joint account, or file his accounts although that's what I do for a living. However, I bought the van for him, paid for the insurance, and fixed the clutch when it went.

The boiler in the house is horrendous- has been for years. Every year he says he'll get a new one.......

Finally, I feel like a single parent. I do everything with the kids, but he only tags along when I pay. Surely that can't be right?

I actually told him once he must have another family as I can't see where his money is going!

Vezz you made many men's knees melt by saying "I paid" There are not many women who are like that with their man and to think that one had you in his corner.

Most people hang on to money like it is air.

Black_Power · (#30 (**permalink**))

but supposed she made more than him? should she have the lions share of the bills....isnt that a "partnership" is all about? sharing n caring...

safetyblitz · (#31 (**permalink**))

Sis you did not fail, just look at it as a learning experience.

You cannot be faulted over the behavior over a man child. I thought you guys were in your late 30s at the most.

You are going to tell me he is 55?

I mean at what point do you grow up?

There is no way in hell I would let you pay our mortgage. even if you could in one paycheck and I had to work 4 jobs. There are somethings men just do.

Kids fed check, wife has food check, they have a roof check do they have clothes check ..... now what am I going to eat..... That's how we think. Even if we are criminals most men still give to their woman and kids first.

As a woman, I know you are going to say somethings to us because well you are women. But I am looking at a lot of the things he did not do as a man.

When you marry a woman even if her kids are not yours as a man you still have to help her take care of those kids financially and emotionally. I mean you are the kids male role model no matter how many other people they see they will emulate you because you are the male they see everyday.

The vacations alone should have embarrassed him. Talk about a man falling into a goldmine and climbing out....... A woman that will pay for a vacation...... no matter what he says, he cannot accuse you of being stingy and selfish because you showed your heart in paying for him and supporting him emotionally.

I still cannot believe this dude is 55.

safetyblitz · (#32 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Black_Power

but supposed she made more than him? should she have the lions share of the bills....isnt that a "partnership" is all about? sharing n caring...

If she was a superstar that is one thing, but there is no way in hell that I am going to let my wife provide my hosuing for me if I am able bodied. She may have to pay the the light bill and even help with groceries until I can find an 8th job, but maybe it is just me, but I am paying the house note.

Black_Power · (#33 (**permalink**))

I mean Im just seems that a major gripe here is the koney factor....yeah fair enough there are the other things like the way he treats her son ect ect but the money things just seems to be dominant.

thought this was the era of equality....whats good for the goose os good for the gander and all tht.

Vezz. · (#34 (**permalink**))

I never earned more than him. I just had my priorities straight.

The trip to Fuerteventura was paid for because I had a car accident and it was compensation.

The trip to Eurodisney was paid by collecting tokens for £9.50 holidays in a newspaper, as was Butlins.

Chicago was paid by remortgaging that we had to do to stave off repossession....again.

I felt that, as a family, we deserved a holiday, so did what I could to have cheap breaks. Even so, he was still always broke.

I'm very anal when it comes to money. Years ago, before I had kids, I remember having pence in my pocket. I also realised that I had to ensure I had money, and if I was given any it was a bonus. Now, I have spreadsheets and check my accounts at least daily. Not sure that was the best strategy as I may have seemed too "able".

My insecurity is kicking in again, because I wonder if he felt emasculated. That said, I didn't feel I could rely on him if I literally had no money. How would my kids eat?

bluehoney · (#35 (**permalink**))

Never feel at fault for another persons.. especially a man's.. immaturity, irresponsibility and selfish behavior. You have a right to feel like you feel and no one should try to change it. No one deserves to be taken advantage of.. especially a wife by her husband.. You are and will continue to be ok!!! Never let yourself have one thought that you are not or will not be ok.. From what I have read.. you have created a good life for you and your children.. reap the benefits of your hard work.. let go of the baggage.. and keep it moving!! Like Billie Holiday sang... God bless the child thats got his own..

Vezz. · (#36 (**permalink**))

BP,

As far as I'm concerned, when you're in a partnership everything should be 50/50.....unless I'm earning much, much more than him.

In my case, I probably could've accepted it more if he helped around the house, for example. He won't cook or clean (not entirely his fault, and I pulled his Mum up about this as he's the eldest boy and has 6 sisters). I managed to stop him leaving his dirty clothes on the floor (yes, at 50 he was still doing that mess). I bought a dishwasher because he kept leaving dirty plates in the sink even though I'd already washed up. Yes, a dishwasher saved my marriage years ago!

And yes, he's 55 years old this year.

Kunjufu · (#37 (**permalink**))

Vezz: back from the Gym, as Le Moor as said the way divorce is settled these days is not the same as it was in the past... As I understand it the divorce law changed a few years ago...

The settlement is not focused on the children, that bit is a separate claim made via the child support agency, as Le moor said regardless of whether your husbands name is on the deed, everything is put into the for consideration on how the financial matters will be settled.... You will need to prove that he part is not substantial so start collecting all the bills..

That btw includes insurances, pensions, and any goods within the house above a certain value and of house the home...etc etc... My situation was the exact reverse my wife never paid a dime, for the home and yet i ended up paying her 16k basically for the privilege of being married to her, and what vexed me was the fact that I had the children, paid for them without support from and I was made to feel like the ******* by the courts and her solicitors...

My advice is that you run not walk to your nearest trusted solicitor and get some advice but quick.... Can I also say that you had better pray that husband of your does not qualify for legal aid, because if he does and you don't as i suspect. You will be f'ucked if he decides to be a *******... because the person not on legal aid will pay some serious legal bills...Whilst the person on legal aid will only have to cough up once the settlement has been made..

You need to know that the court will request a years worth of continuous financial records from every financial investment, asset or bank you and your husband are involved in...these are then disclosed to the other side who will then usually put in a bid on what they will consider for settlement for the dissolution of the marriage, now whilst you can still be divorce the financial matters can continue for some time after wards...

This is why i suggested that if you can get a mutual settlement, if possible via mediation as its cheaper and nicer, because the alternative is bloody EXPENSIVE believed and NOT child friendly..

The irony is that you are leaving him because of his financial debt and it is possible that you could end up funding his debt get him out of trouble.. life is a b.itch eh?

Vezz. · (#38 (**permalink**))

K,

So that would mean he has a claim on my other house, even though I took £50k of the equity to pay for this house? I'll speak to my friend's solicitor asap.

Unfortunately, he's being an ostrich at the moment. I think he learnt from the last time he tried to call my bluff. He knows this is it.

Kunjufu · (#39 (**permalink**))

In short all it will mean is that you have a claim for a far greater share come the division of assets, without wishing to scaremonger, but you cannot assume you will get out of this scott free I'm afraid the law is not fair, nor does it make much sense...

Can i also say that whilst you husband maybe an ostrich he is NOT the problem you will have, it will be the litigation friend that advises him that will be the real problem..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

K,

So that would mean he has a claim on my other house, even though I took £50k of the equity to pay for this house? I'll speak to my friend's solicitor asap.

Unfortunately, he's being an ostrich at the moment. I think he learnt from the last time he tried to call my bluff. He knows this is it.

Vezz. · (#40 (**permalink**))

I'm fed up with crying.

I feel so frustrated. I want to confront him and bring it into the open, but he comes, deals with the Baby (he's now FOUR - remember when everyone here was praying for him to arrive?? Classic thread....

), then goes. I want to tell him how I feel, but am scared of the repercussions. When I did last year, I ended up wearing the dinner I cooked for him....twice! Certain people here know this, so I'm not lying.

Right now I want to bawl, but it just leaves me drained. I also have the most horrendous headache on the left side of my head. Is this significant?

Vezz. · (#41 (**permalink**))

K,

I know I need to act fast, but I feel disloyal without speaking to him first. I need to grasp the mettle asap.

Thanks for the advice.

Black_Power · (#42 (**permalink**))

ahh vezz..

please dont take anything I say to you as a personal dig....truth is I got plenty of time for you as I do with others on this forum...the beauty of this forum is that in some ways its like a family.

you sort of remind me of me and my other half...shes good with money Im terrible but I make more!...do you think t5hat ultimatly it was a cummincation breakdown that led to this?

Kunjufu · (#43 (**permalink**))

Vezz: to clarify I am NOT suggesting that you kick the man in his nuts... or that you do him before he does you.. You can seek advice without taking action, you can know your position before you apply for the decree Nisi... You can still talk to him before, during and after in fact I recommend it.. and if you can agree a settlement by yourselves and then do so via mediation before you get to court...

In my experience this process is inhuman and destroys families in the WORSE way possible, i would never recommend it never...

However having been where you been sometimes to find ourselves we must satruggle for that change and sometimes things get worse before they get better, but they will get better...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

K,

I know I need to act fast, but I feel disloyal without speaking to him first. I need to grasp the mettle asap.

Thanks for the advice.

Vezz. · (#44 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Black_Power

ahh vezz..

please dont take anything I say to you as a personal dig....truth is I got plenty of time for you as I do with others on this forum...the beauty of this forum is that in some ways its like a family.

you sort of remind me of me and my other half...shes good with money Im terrible but I make more!...do you think t5hat ultimatly it was a cummincation breakdown that led to this?

I know you love me, so I don't feel no way

I understand why you ask if there was a communication breakdown. Not really. I'm transparent in these matters. I may have delayed because I wanted to get him in a good mood, however.

Vezz. · (#45 (**permalink**))

K,

Believe me, I won't pay any more than I should. You got me scared by saying I should run and not walk to my nearest solicitor. However, I'm not impulsive. I can prove what I've paid (and what he hasn't). My aim is to discuss this amicably with him, and I need to choose my moment with care.

Kunjufu · (#46 (**permalink**))

My bad, when i wrote that i meant to get advice, not to start proceedings sorry my mistake..... Btw I really get the way you feel right now, I still feel embarrassed and sad that my first marriage ended the way it did.. You never get over that never..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vezz.

K,

Believe me, I won't pay any more than I should. You got me scared by saying I should run and not walk to my nearest solicitor. However, I'm not impulsive. I can prove what I've paid (and what he hasn't). My aim is to discuss this amicably with him, and I need to choose my moment with care.

DtotheJ · (#47 (**permalink**))

Vezz,

maybe I'm not understanding everything, but did you imply that this guy has been physical with you

"you ended up wearing the dinner you cooked"?

do you have any brothers?

there's 2 men married to women in our extended family.....who placed hands on them...., and one year exactly from the date the incident happened......had random violent acts happen to them...not enough that they have to go to the hospital but enough to send the message.....

mysteriously....

You deserve to be happy just like ANY other person...something needs to randomly happen to this dude.....so that it doesn't come back to you.

jett Black · (#48 (**permalink**))

Vezz sounds like you're going through the wringer right now,sorry about your headaches,I suggest you run don't walk to Holland and Barrett tomorrow buy yourself some lavender oil,pour it in your hands,rub together and inhale as often as necessary.This method has helped sort out my most heinous of stress and period related headaches.

In regard to how you broach various subjects with your husband,I would just say-from what I've picked up on that you wrote-tread carefully ,and also,I don't know what the extended family dynamic is,who or what is available for you,but at times like this you need back-up,be it physical or just mental,it's imperative that you find someone within your family...or even a friend(coz after all they are the family one CHOOSES)confide in them ,let them know what is going on,should anything kick-off.

Phuck,the shame aspect of this,this is not the time for pride bizznizz,the rest of your life and your childrens's are at stake,do what you need to do,just be methodical and robotic about it.

And of course keep venting on here ,when you need to.I doubt anyone but the most bad-minded would begrudge you that.

Hold your head up girl,better days ahead,seen?

Mezmerized · (#49 (**permalink**))

Vezz, I am so sorry to hear this sis, cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. In some way i am glad you know that you do have another family here(even though we are virtual) to speak as openly as you can about this. From past experiences involving family members going through divorces, what you are expressing here(feelings of failure etc) is normal, but just know that you WILL overcome this painful times. You have always struck me as a strong and resourceful woman, just remember that however dark the times get.

PS: Abs sends her love, she is unable to log in at the moment as her internet connection is playing up.

Prince Hakeem · (#50 (**permalink**))

I'm simply being the silent observer on this thread, but sorry for your situation Vezz. So many go through it, but so many emerge from it stronger and wiser like you will eventually.