Basically my little brother is in his first year of secondary school. He is attending a well known catholic school in west London. The school has top grades etc, and he is slowly progressing well academically.

The only problem is that he is having trouble making friends.

Whenever he comes back from school he complains that no one likes him, and that his socalled friends just make fun of him, and call him names.

I will be doing more investigating into it.


I am not sure if its due to his lack of confidence, or that he is one of a handful of black people in his year, etc

What were other peoples experiences like when they started seconday school?

Did anyone find it hard to make friends ?

Went from a small private primary school to a large state secondary school, there were 200 kids in my primary school and at least 200 in my year at secondary. Was the only kid from that school as well. Got in a whole heap of trouble, used to play truant and sit in the local library reading, was taken in by the estate cats and well... learnt a lot about life... man I'd be a good criminal if I was still out there .lol.

Your brother seems ok though, sounds like you have a good relationship with him, no need for him to look to trouble to express himself if you get me, lessens the need for him to look for respect elsewhere if he can talk to big bro about things.

Talk to the school if you're worried.

I'm assuming he started in September, so he's been there, almost 8months now....You need to start your "investigations" immediately.

Unless you are not telling all (understandable) then you need to be asking him to give complete examples of how he's made fun of, and the names called. And exactly who is doing this. How he is responding to this ordeal. (You need to be observant of changes in his behaviour)

You also need to be contacting the school and make arrangement to talk to his teachers.

Children do take the mick out of each other (it seems to me more so with this generation-my son and his friends are pure jokers, if you didn't know them you would think it was malicious) It could just be that your brother is not used to this behaviour and/or is sensitive to it.

Hope you sort it out.

I agree. You cant lay lay about this. Can see how it can happen. Your bro maybe shy/ maybe quiet natured and once one cursing session starts and he doesnt defend it adequately/ its a snowball effect and people take set on him as easy target. Its a difficult one but if its one thing I think you should do with your brother (looking from then outside) is to instill some confidence in him in ways he may not have it. I dont neccessarily think its a race based problem though it cant help being one of a handful. But if he has confidence he could be at school with 50 hardback BNP youths and still hold his own. Get him into something that he can be good at so he earns confidence for himself rather than you showering praise which is worthless if he knows your plan.

For the record secondary school I made friendships that have lasted 20+ yeras. I always thought you couldnt help but make friend in your first year of secondary school. At that age you are free from inhibitions and most of the 'crews' were formed within the first 2 weeks.


Good luck.

I would probs think he's shy......... Kids are always like that. Give him time, Some children take a little while longer into developing social skills.

What race were his friends at his old school? What in particular do the new kids make fun of?

I ask because my son also goes to school in west london, where he is one of only a handful of black children, and although he does not hang around with them outside of school, he seems to have made friends ok. His primary school friends were mostly black but he mixes with other races at football.

At secondary, They make fun of him being from Hackney, and some of the boys hate on his clothes, I told him to pick his battles, ignore some and stand up to others accordingly and he has taken this advice. All in all he says he enjoys school now.

I think my son was lacking in confidence due to being a fish out of water, this may apply to your brother also.

I imagine, the child isn't shy or even lacks confidence....

I imgaine what he is lacking is social skills...and don't get me wrong, I imagine the child his a quite the 'shinning star' around adults in particular his family. But he as not learn't (from experience) to socialize with his peers.

Personally if it was me, I would remove the child from said school and send him to the one where at least some of his peers from primary school attended....

Emotional problems will eventually impact on his academic achivements, regardless of the quality of the school.

Lets face it if a child as been unable to make and maintain friendships after so long it isn't going to get any easier...Better to start a fresh.

If he is shy or lacks confidence (generally) than I would question the motives of sending him to a school out of his nieghbourhood and where non of his primary school associates (don't have to have been friends) attended.

With the appropriate support network (and especially ability) a child can succed in terms of ' academic' achievement whatever school attended... My mum sent me to some poxy school in the sticks and I am still traumatised...and prior to that I was one member of the only Black family to attend my primary school and the only one of three to attend my final secondary school

But then I am a support of state education and committed to the idea of sending your children to 'local schools'....My son goes to a school literally, across the road...The friends he as made in the two years he's been there all live within 5min walking distance from my home. Whilst he still maintains contact with the many peers that came from the same primary school.

Concequently I know who my son's friends are, I know where they live, I know to see, or nod, who their parents are...It means I can give my son freedom/independence and yet still maintain controll.

I entirely agree. Primary school is primary school. This is a different chapter. I also think taking the boy out the school is the worst thing you can do unless personal safety involved. Cant run from every bad situation in life. Got to learn to deal with it.

Wow thanks for the responses. I will try my best to reply to each of them


@ Black Lion

I persoally do not think now is the time to talk to the school yet. From my little brother has told me it seems like school boy banter.

I thinik he is just having trouble making that transition from primary to seconadary school, and having to start all over again to make friends.

He does seem to lack confidence, I noticed that a long time ago.


@Talibha

I kinda did start my investigations a while ago. Whenever he comes back from school I would ask him how was scholl, etc, and would make my conclusion based on his body language, his mood, etc.

The problem is at times I am not sure f he is being 100% straight with me. He told me at first that he doesnn't play with anyone during break times. Then he told me he plays patball with people from the 3rd Set. etc.


He did say though he has had a few childish kinda beefs with a certain boy. They both threw each others pencil cases in the bin. Then the boy started cussing him saying ...He is a Tramp, He smells, etc.

I asked my bro did he argue back, and he siad he does, but the other guy has back up, in the sense that he has more friends in the class than he does.


I think he is sensitive to it, and it kinda upsets him, as he did face a similar problem with a certain boy back in primary school.



@Bredder Tukoma


I actually don't think its a race problem, more of a confidence issue.

I think this is an area we have not worked on enough. He goes to a certain club every saturday and mingles with people is age, doing various activities, however thats not enough.

Im gonna have to grab the bull by its horns and install some form of street smarts into him.

I persoanlly think that to some extent he has been smuthered too much.

Me and my brothers from a young age knew ow to handle ourselves, i.e school fights, how to act in certain situations.

It seems he does not seemed to have picked it up


I see your point about crewa, however it doesn't always end up like that.

I went to a school where black people ruled, and lets just say it was hard to build alliances with a bunch of double crossingm two fcae *******s. By the time I had finished secondary school I was fully aware of the difference between FRIENDS and ACQUANTANCES.


@NJ Shaw

I will give him time, however I will definatley keep my eye on him. I won't allow this to go on for the rest of his school life.



@Melissa

I actually agree with you on the point of asking him to pick his battles. Its just the issue of making REAL friends that is the problem.

I asked him who he comes back home with. He siad at times by himself, or at other htimes he kinda walks with a group of boys kinda like a cling on.,



@Talibha

Bad idea removing him. He has to learn to face his demons now.

The local schools in my area ssuck big time. The top 3 schools are private schools.

All the others apart from 2 which are near iimpossible to get into due to the waiting list are hell holes.

Mt first year at school wasn't good. I was an only child (well I wasn't, but apparently, if there is a huge age gap you're classed as one anyway), and I had no problem dealing with the older kids, just the ones in my year. I still do in fact I'm an old soul. The only friends I have my age now are the ones I made in school.

Anyway the first year was a nightmare, I didn't understand these kids and they didn't get me. I ended up hanging out with the older girls which made a lot of girls in my year jealous but they couldn't say anything as I had the 'protection' of the older girls.
It didn't really affect me to be honest, because I had a lot going on at home so the last thing on my mind was silly girls.
Do they run after school activities at the school? Maybe he could sign up for some. That is how I met my best friend, we started fencing together. Oh the innocent days!