Traditional African, African-Carribean and African-American marriages...

nsogbu1562 · (#1 (**permalink**))

...and customs. Please share your experiences.

What inspired me to start this thread was the idea that marriage is somehow an alien concept to 'black people' or is a result of western conditioning. This perception is something that has always perplexed me because if anything, certainly in my own community marriage is one of the most important things an individual will ever do in their life and to attribute the whole idea of marriage as some sort of western aberration is for me just bizarre. I've always found the marriage customs of various cultures interesting. I would like to learn about what the marriage customs of cultures of people who visit this board entail. I thought it would be nice for me to share traditional Igbo customs re marriage. If anyone notices some glaring omissions or errors, please feel free to correct me as I am still learning!

First of all an introductory meeting called 'Ikwu Aka' which means 'knocking' takes place. This is where the groom's people or family will meet with the family of the bride to state their intentions regarding marriage. There are various rituals such as breaking of the Kola nut, providing drinks and food and prayers that accompany this. Often, the parents of the bride will invite one of the elders of the community that isn't related to them to attend the Ikwu Aka and 'officiate' and further question the intentions of the groom and is family. The bride's family will also give the groom's family a list of items for the groom's family to purchase and bring the items to the traditional ceremony. (Sometimes items on this list can range from practical things to the downright ridiculous!).

A 'vetting' procedure then occurs which entails relatives or acquaintances from both sides of the family 'investigating' the families and circumstances of the potential partner to ensure there isn't anything that might be perceived as dodgy or questionable in their background. If both parties are satisfied with the outcome of the 'vetting' the traditional ceremony, the 'Igba Nkwu' or 'wine carrying' takes place. This usually takes place in the village or home town of the bride in her parents' house or compound. The event usually begins with the welcoming of the groom's party and the introduction of various esteemed guests by the MC. During this time the bride and her bridesmaids are hidden away from view of the groom and his people. The bride and her bridesmaids (sorry, I don't know the Igbo phrase for bridesmaids - I know that Yoruba people call this the 'aso ebi') will then dance out with the bride. She will carry out talcum powder and offer it to the women who she will meet along the way to spray themselves with (I've never understood what this meant so if anyone reading this could elaborate I would be most grateful!). The bridal party will then join her family in the audience. There will be various prayers and blessings then the bride will go to her father who will make a speech and give her the cup of palm wine. The bride willl take the cup and will search for her groom who will be concealed somewhere in the crowd. When she finds him he will drink from it and from that moment on they will be officially married. The bride and groom will meet their families, people will come and greet and congratulate them, then there will be dancing, sometimes spraying of money and eating. When it is all over the bride will then leave the village to go to the husband's village, since that is where she now officially 'belongs' and will be seen off by her bridesmaids.

I've noticed lately there seems to be a growing trend for some Igbo people to have a traditional marriage ceremony and a 'civil' ceremony to make it all legal but postpone or don't have the Christian 'white wedding'. As far as a number of Igbo people are concerned, if they don't have the traditional ceremony, regardless of whether they have had the white wedding or not they are not officially 'married'.

Please feel free to share your experiences. As you can see from the thread title, I would like to hear about experiences from all over the African diaspora.

BrooklynGal · (#2 (**permalink**))

Hi Nsogbu,

I’ve been meaning to respond to this for a while now.

My husband and I got married down in John’s Island South Carolina where my family’s originally from. We’d been living in sin for a long time and might as well have been married already lol. But it was important to us to do it the right way and have our families involved. We had an outside wedding (with no church, no preacher) after initially going to the justice of the peace together (my sister was the witness) to ‘lawfully’ get married here in New York. We did that over lunch hour in the city and then went right back to work lol.

In our real wedding outside my uncle’s home in South Carolina, my pops and my dad-in-law said some words, both our moms said some words, and then my auntie and uncle united my husband and I and we jumped the broom (an old African American tradition that has it’s roots in slavery when Black folks weren’t allowed to marry). I wore a plain white simple flowing sleeveless dress and my husband wore the dashikis to beat all dashikis. Our friends who are drummers did their thing, our other friend sang etc.

After that, we both sucked on a lemon to show how sour marriage can be, then some chilli to show how hot it can get, some honey to show how sweet and some homemade vinegar to show how acrid it can get.

Then we all ate a whole lotta food and had a party.

The ‘lawful’ marriage in the city was just a procedure so we could get into the system and so I could get my husband on my health insurance which is better than the one he had at his old job. But our union in front of our family and friends was extra special.

Now we’re getting busy working on some babies

I love what you wrote about the Igbo ceremony.

One question: is Igbo society patrilineal or matrilineal?

Thanks for this great thread topic.

nsogbu1562 · (#3 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrooklynGal

Hi Nsogbu,

I’ve been meaning to respond to this for a while now.

My husband and I got married down in John’s Island South Carolina where my family’s originally from. We’d been living in sin for a long time and might as well have been married already lol. But it was important to us to do it the right way and have our families involved. We had an outside wedding (with no church, no preacher) after initially going to the justice of the peace together (my sister was the witness) to ‘lawfully’ get married here in New York. We did that over lunch hour in the city and then went right back to work lol.

In our real wedding outside my uncle’s home in South Carolina, my pops and my dad-in-law said some words, both our moms said some words, and then my auntie and uncle united my husband and I and we jumped the broom (an old African American tradition that has it’s roots in slavery when Black folks weren’t allowed to marry). I wore a plain white simple flowing sleeveless dress and my husband wore the dashikis to beat all dashikis. Our friends who are drummers did their thing, our other friend sang etc.

After that, we both sucked on a lemon to show how sour marriage can be, then some chilli to show how hot it can get, some honey to show how sweet and some homemade vinegar to show how acrid it can get.

Then we all ate a whole lotta food and had a party.

The ‘lawful’ marriage in the city was just a procedure so we could get into the system and so I could get my husband on my health insurance which is better than the one he had at his old job. But our union in front of our family and friends was extra special.

Now we’re getting busy working on some babies

I love what you wrote about the Igbo ceremony.

One question: is Igbo society patrilineal or matrilineal?

Thanks for this great thread topic.

Thanks so much for your response BrooklynGal. That ceremony you had sounds special. I've heard of 'jumping the broom' before and it's interesting to hear how the practice evolved.

The sucking on the lemons and chilli etc, that sounds like a really unique way of getting an idea of the challenges that married life will bring! Is that a widespread practice in A-A weddings or is that something unique to your own family? Also, amongst your own circle of friends and family, have they also had a traditional African American marriage ceremonies? I see there is a common theme of lots of food though - you know you're at an African wedding when there's food aplenty!

Igbo society is mostly patrilineal but there is a strong emphasis on 'age-grades' and seniority, so the oldest person in the local community whether it be the male or the female is the one that will most likely command the most respect in certain situations.

BrooklynGal · (#4 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by nsogbu1562

Thanks so much for your response BrooklynGal. That ceremony you had sounds special. I've heard of 'jumping the broom' before and it's interesting to hear how the practice evolved.

The sucking on the lemons and chilli etc, that sounds like a really unique way of getting an idea of the challenges that married life will bring! Is that a widespread practice in A-A weddings or is that something unique to your own family? Also, amongst your own circle of friends and family, have they also had a traditional African American marriage ceremonies? I see there is a common theme of lots of food though - you know you're at an African wedding when there's food aplenty!

Igbo society is mostly patrilineal but there is a strong emphasis on 'age-grades' and seniority, so the oldest person in the local community whether it be the male or the female is the one that will most likely command the most respect in certain situations.

Nsogbu,

All my siblings jumped the broom and had non-Church weddings and did the lemon and honey thing though my brother thatrecently got married had some other stuff. All my married friends jumped the broom too. That's pretty widespread in the African American community (the broom part) though of course, you have folks that think it's too backwards. I don't know if the lemon thing is widespread though.

And I forgot to add that we did represent with the all time African American wedding tradition:

THE ELECTRIC SLIDE

Any African American wedding ain't a wedding unless eeeeeevvvrybody gets up and does the electric slide.

DtotheJ · (#5 (**permalink**))

congrats BG,

so many legal rights and benefits to marriage that it's worth it.

I was the witness at "city" wedding.... they got hitched and didn't tell anybody for a few years.

Lot of people were upset that it wasn't this or that or held here and there.....but those people would 'not have been around to help them pay those bills for doing the big wedding thing.

Gullah folks' area does well in tourism....if they promoted the wedding aspect ,I think lot of people would embrace that.

* the idea that it's just a piece of paper is quite silly...
politician said this to us when we visited capitol hill

"you're not officially born until a politician's stamp is on your birth certificate.....and you're not gone until one of them stamps your d. certificate"
That piece of paper holds a lot of power in society.....why do you think the "alternative lifestyle" folks are fighting so hard to get it?

BrooklynGal · (#6 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by DtotheJ

congrats BG,

so many legal rights and benefits to marriage that it's worth it.

I was the witness at "city" wedding.... they got hitched and didn't tell anybody for a few years.

Lot of people were upset that it wasn't this or that or held here and there.....but those people would 'not have been around to help them pay those bills for doing the big wedding thing.

Gullah folks' area does well in tourism....if they promoted the wedding aspect ,I think lot of people would embrace that.

* the idea that it's just a piece of paper is quite silly...
politician said this to us when we visited capitol hill

"you're not officially born until a politician's stamp is on your birth certificate.....and you're not gone until one of them stamps your d. certificate"
That piece of paper holds a lot of power in society.....why do you think the "alternative lifestyle" folks are fighting so hard to get it?

Thanks D.

Really what we did is we went to the courthouse lol. But I said justice of the peace coz it sounds better

It was nice going down to SC for the wedding. A lot of my husbands kin had never been outside of Pennsylvania where he's from - especially his cousins - and they were so amazed at how pretty the rest of the country was during the drive down. My family always went down to SC when we were children and as adults. We have close relatives down there.

Yeah, we had to get white-man-legal so we could do stuff. They really have us on lock with that paper don't they?

nsogbu1562 · (#7 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrooklynGal

Nsogbu,

All my siblings jumped the broom and had non-Church weddings and did the lemon and honey thing though my brother thatrecently got married had some other stuff. All my married friends jumped the broom too. That's pretty widespread in the African American community (the broom part) though of course, you have folks that think it's too backwards. I don't know if the lemon thing is widespread though.

And I forgot to add that we did represent with the all time African American wedding tradition:

THE ELECTRIC SLIDE

Any African American wedding ain't a wedding unless eeeeeevvvrybody gets up and does the electric slide.

..haha the electric slide! One of my relatives borrowed this A-A tradition for their church wedding reception party. Everyone had fun.

nsogbu1562 · (#8 (**permalink**))

...Anyone else with their own customs, practices or observations to share?